Reposted from Cosmopolitan
1. I should have looked up “clitoris” on Wikipedia before this whole thing started.
2. Is she still watching TV? I can’t tell if her eyes are closed or if she’s still watching Conan … Wait, is she looking at me? No, her eyes are closed. Are they? Yeah. Wait, no?
3. Does she want me to touch her boobs? I think I can reach her boobs from here. Nope, I can’t. I’m just kind of awkwardly clawing at her rib cage. Abort.
4. Oh, fuck. I have to cough. Will she notice if I cough directly into her vagina? No, don’t run the risk. Suppress it, dude.
5. Dammit, she did want me to touch her boobs. Now she’s touching her own boobs. Wait, this is awesome. STOP STARING AND KEEP GOING.
6. Are we going to have sex soon? (Full disclosure, this one is pretty much being thought the whole time. It’s also being thought when a man isn’t giving oral, like when he’s engaging you in casual conversation, or eating a hot dog, or sleeping. Men are thinking this about every woman they come into casual contact with all day).
7. Whatever happened to Ashanti? Is she still making music? I have to remember to Google her later.
8.My beard is going to smell like vagina later. I think I’m OK with this. I know I’m OK with this. (NOTE: This only pertains to men with beards)
9. Lying on my stomach with an erection isn’t ideal. Where the fuck do I put my dick right now? OK, I’m going to try to just point it down … Nope. Everything happening to my dick is awful right now. Would she notice if I cut a hole in her mattress and made myself a cock burrow?
10. I STILL CAN’T TELL IF YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED FROM THIS ANGLE. ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME? SHOULD I WINK OR SOME SHIT?
11. OK, she’s arching her back. Her right leg is twitching. I’m the fucking man right now. Don’t lose focus. Do not forget to look up Ashanti’s career trajectory later.
12. SHE IS LITERALLY CRUSHING MY HEAD WITH HER THIGHS WHERE DID SHE GET THIS STRENGTH FROM SHE IS PUSHING MY HEAD INTO HER VAGINA IF THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO DIE THEN SO BE IT I WILL LEAVE THIS WORLD AS I CAME INTO IT
13. She came? Yeah. Yeah? OK, yeah. I’m allowed up now.
14. Alright, I’m going to wait for about two seconds and then just try and put my penis in her vagina. No fear.