Adult Sex Ed

50 Shades of Kink: Why Kinky Sex Really Isn’t as Kinky as You Think

AGWDM 50 shades of kinkI’ve wanted to write about why kinky sex really isn’t as kinky as you think for some time. However, I think Tristan Taormino lends a much more authoritative voice in her book, 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM.

I know of many people who haven’t come into their sexual or kink awakenings until they were well into their 30’s, 40’s or even their 50’s. Sometimes it comes from fantasies as they did for me in my early 30’s. Sometimes inspiration comes from porn. And as much as many of us may dis Fifty Shades of Grey for its bad writing, unbelievable characters, and improbable scenarios, even I (and millions of other people) can’t say that the sex and seduction scenes weren’t incendiary.

But discovering new sexual interests and triggers often comes with a lot of baggage and negative messages. We’ve gotten them while we were growing up and they’re reinforced day in and day out in our culture and conversations. Tristan does a great job of busting the myths and misconceptions about kink, such as…

BDSM is the same thing as violence and abuse

If you had a satisfying sex life, your partner wouldn’t want to try anything kinky

Kinky desires are not normal

Tristan’s myth busting isn’t based on her own personal beliefs. She reveals a lot of psychological reasons why people want, crave, fantasize and are curious about kinky sex.

Words like “humiliation”, “degradation” and “punishment” are loaded with negative and abusive connotations when they’re used in typical non-sexual conversation. While words like those can add to the taboo and naughty appeal of kinky sex, Tristan also does great job of explaining what these words mean in the sphere of BDSM. She also defines the roles people play – like how a top is different from a Dom and how a bottom is different from a sub – and what kinky sex practices are and are not.

Kinksters are often better at communicating their sexual wants, desires, turn-ons and turn-offs with their partners than their vanilla counterparts. 50 Shades of Kink is well worth the price of the book in the tips that Tristan provides in opening the lines of communication between partners, kink or vanilla. Some of my favorite tips include…

Write it down. If talking about your desires face-to-face with your partner makes you feel shy, intimidated, or overwhelmed, you could write her a note.

Go shopping. Take a trip to your local sex toy store and head to the fantasy role play or bondage section.

Watch a movie. Pick an adult film with similar themes to a book you like; O: The Power of Submission directed by Ernest Greene, for example, is a modern-day retelling of Pauline Réage’s book The Story of O.

I can’t stress enough the importance of being educated on the terms, toys, gear and how to play safely when it comes to kinky sex, and 50 Shades of Kink covers it all.

For a chance to win a copy of 50 Shades of Kink, click the giveaway options below. You have a chance to enter once per day until Sunday, June 22, at 11:59 p.m.

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