Adult Humor

Ask the Sexpert: Should a Sexual Awakening be Alarming?

AGWDM  man seducing womanI had my sexual awakening when I was 31. It started with dreams of being awakened by a gorgeous, sexy man, the kind of man you’d see on the cover of an erotic romance book — sculpted body, long hair, piercing eyes. He’d wake me while I was sleeping and would start touching my body that aroused every single nerve right down to my toes.

I started looking for articles, stories and chat rooms about sex. I discovered the world of BDSM. I read Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series. I bought a few sex toys. I wanted sex all the time.

The problem was that my husband wasn’t going along with this. We hadn’t had sex for a year. He had no interest in reading the Sleeping Beauty books. He rebuffed my advances when I planned a romantic sunset picnic. The night I planned a Moroccan feast on the living room floor with blankets, pillows and candles, he unenthusiastically went through the motions. He eventually told me that I was crazy and needed to see a shrink.

We had other problems and got shortly divorced afterwards, but having a sexual awakening can be wonderful for some, but it can bring up some problems like I had and fears for others.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in Santa Monica, Calif., and is a professor of psychology at California State University Los Angeles. This is what she says about how to deal with the good and the bad of having a sexual awakening.

AGWDM dr ramani“A sexual awakening CAN be alarming, but it really shouldn’t be. The biggest problems are typically partner related – you want sex all the time now, and your partner does not. You find yourself fantasizing about other people or scenarios and your partner is not down with that (or you are thinking about other people sexually). You grow up with cultural taboos against sexuality so finding yourself more awakened can be at odds with the messages you once received.

“Sex has to be one of the most convoluted issues in our culture. It screams at us from every billboard ads yet everyone is so confused and conflicted about it. We find it both dirty and exciting and right and wrong. Sex and sexuality are a healthy part of life, behavior, and identity. But it does come with some social expectations – and most people don’t have partners that will give them a hearty handshake and wish them well on their sexual escapades. It also carries health ramifications as unprotected sex with unknown partners can place a person at risk for STI’s that can have long term health implications as well as unintended pregnancies.

“A lift in libido may mean more masturbation, which is VERY healthy for women. It may having more open dialogues about sex with a partner, which is VERY healthy for the relationship. But be prepared that it may raise some issues in a relationship and that doesn’t mean that an awakening is a “bad” thing. Sexual awakening can occur for many reasons including hormonal shifts, confidence, shifts in life that yield more time and energy (e.g. the kids growing up and leaving), or even a new partner.

“If the lift in libido is “distracting” and getting in the way of maintaining a relationship, making bad choices (e.g. risky sexual encounters), or even other distractions and preoccupations (e.g. excessive time spent looking at adult films or sexualized websites), therapy may be necessary. In most cases, the awakening could be manifested in a greater swing in your step, hopefully a satisfied partner, and that in life, it ain’t over til it’s over.”