Relationship Ramblings

Better Sex: Starting Over with Your Partner

Everyday we used to make it love,
Why can’t we be making love nice and easy,
It’s time to spread our wing’s and fly,
Don’t let another day go by my love,
It’ll be just like starting over
-John Lennon, (Just Like) Starting Over

There was a reason why I woke up with an earworm of John Lennon’s (Just Like) Starting Over in my head.

My early morning email lead me to an article that referred to a survey that Hot Octopuss did about peoples’ sex lives. The survey found that 78 percent of those surveyed feel uncomfortable talking to their partners about what they want in the bedroom.

SEVENTY-EIGHT PERCENT??? Holy fuck! That’s a LOT of people! How did they ever get in bed with each other in the first place?

Additionally, 69 percent of people feel underwhelmed by, unhappy with, or simply bored of their current sex lives. The most common reasons for unhappiness included lack of excitement and adventure, lack of experimentation with new toys (of course a sex toy company is going to ask that) and positions, and romance and love simply being lost.

A lot of those problems stem from not being able to communicate very well with each other about from the very start.

Most vanilla people are uncomfortable about admitting and exploring sexuality with themselves, let alone other people. When the topic of sex first comes up, couples usually dance around it and all they’re really asking for is consent. They may ask each other about what they use for birth control and how they practice safer sex, but usually that’s it.

Now this is where kinksters get it right. They typically don’t get sexually involved with each other until they’ve gone through a list of things they’ve done, like, don’t like, absolutely need, won’t do under any situations, or interested in doing. What I love about lists like this (this is a pretty good one — sexionnaire.com) is that every topic, interest, kink and fetish is on the table, not just the ones that interest either one of the partners. It’s a lot easier to bring up a bunch of topics instead of just one – usually that one idea you fear will be a relationship breaker.

Okay, okay … please don’t stop me here! I know this doesn’t sound like the romantic approach most people use to get in the sack with each other – the fancy date, that moment alone when you’re looking into each other’s eyes and the butterflies are stringing a tourniquet on your guts – but it works! It’s a great conversation starter. I highly recommend doing this for any couple that hasn’t gotten naked with each other yet.

But what if you’re one of the 78%, even if you’ve been with each other for years?

Nothing says you can’t start over.

Take the questionnaire separately and then discuss each of the questions as well as your answers together. I know this is going into scary territory, but you may come upon some really exciting surprises that can ignite that flame has gone out in your relationship.

If the thought of broaching this idea with your partner scares the shit out of you, recreate that date or that time when you broached the subject of having sex. A bit of romance and going back to that place and time can’t hurt.

But what if it’s an utter fail? What if your partner shuts down and throws out accusations like “You’re such a pervert!”?

This is when you insist on seeing a couples counselor or a sex therapist. Sex is that big of a deal in a relationship and seeing a counselor as a last-ditch move before heading to divorce court is always pointless or moot. After all, sex is one of the first things that draws and brings people together. Sexually satisfied couples are generally happy people and communicate better with their partners about everything. More than likely, if you’re sexually or romantically unsatisfied, you have more problems than what’s not happening in the sack. Those problems need to be resolved, too. A counselor or therapist can be a great help in unlocking those issues and being there as a mediator so that you’re both accountable for your relationship.

The fear of confrontation or opening up Pandora’s box can be a scary and frightening thing, but are you really taking solace and comfort in being unhappy, sexually and otherwise?