All too often, I get the feeling that a lot of people blow off the importance of how communication is the No. 1 key to great sex and relationships. But everyone I know who says they have a great relationship and sex with their partner says that they talk about sex and their relationships openly and often with each other.
Unfortunately, a lot of people say that it’s hard to talk to their partners about sex and their relationships or they think, “Oh, man … shit … do I really have to?” If that’s the case, you have no business being in a relationship or having sex unless you’re both willing to try.
Who doesn’t want to be happy and have great sex? Here are some tips to get you started!
Talk About What You Like
If talking about sex and your relationship is difficult, start out by telling your partner the things you like and they do. Say those things often, at least once a day. Sincere flattery will get you everywhere, or at least what you want. If doing that feels like a chore or an obligation, either something is wrong with your relationship or you have no business being in one.
Give Each Other Respect and Permission
It took me a long time to feel comfortable to tell Parrot what I wanted and how I wanted things in very randy ways. Even though we could always talk about sex very openly in general conversations, I sometimes felt conflicted and not-so confident because he’s incredibly polite, courteous and loving toward me. It took a lot of reminders and hearing how he loved it when I got racy over a long period of time until I felt fully confident to speak my mind in very raw and explicit ways.
Some Things are Better Talked About in the Bedroom; Others Not
There have been a few times when Parrot and I have blurted out fantasies while we’re hot and heavy in the moment. Talk about adding fuel to the fire! Even if they’re thoughts or ideas that we’ll never carry out together, sometimes a few words are just enough to add a spark to what we’re doing or bring on some explosive orgasms. This is easy and often spontaneous for us because we know each other’s kinks, preferences and boundaries. We know that once we leave the bedroom that we treat each other well. Years of having completely honest and open communication helps, too.
Some things are big and daring, like the decision to make a sex tape or having outdoor sex. When these things came up between Parrot and I, we spent a couple of days or weeks discussing and mulling over the pros, cons and risks outside of the bedroom.
We also made an agreement that if something was outside of our one of comfort zones that we drop the idea. There are so many things we enjoy about sex and knowing there are always other fun, new and kinky things to try.
Be Willing to Listen with an Open Mind
Some things may be uncomfortable to say or hear, don’t turn you on, or you don’t agree with. Be open to what your partner has to say without interrupting, shutting them down, or going batshit on them. Calmly identify and fully explain why you don’t want to do or try something.
If you can’t discuss something immediately, use the 24 hour rule and get back to your partner within that time. Ninety-nine times out of 100, there’s no good reason to not talk to your partner within a day, especially when that’s your typical communication pattern. Avoiding topic only makes it worse and makes it harder to overcome any hurt, anger, uncertainty or insecurity that may build up, and those are additional things you don’t want to deal with. No communication is the same thing as bad communication.
If You Fucked Up, Apologize Sincerely and Promptly
Sometimes, saying, “I’m sorry,” is the hardest thing to do. A lot of people hate accepting blame. Don’t think of it as blame; think of it as being loving and respectful to your partner. Think of it as a data point of something that you’re never going to do again.
A lot of times, people screw up by doing something unintentional. Never, ever say, “I didn’t mean to do that,” and then walk away and dismiss it. It shows lack of remorse and regret and will only fuel your partner’s hurt. The thing you must do is acknowledge your partner’s hurt or disappointment, apologize, and make it a point to never repeat that behavior.
If you did something deliberately to hurt your partner, put yourself in their position if they did the same thing to you. Verbalize what you did, sincerely apologize, say what you’ll do to make it right, and stick to your word. Don’t expect immediate forgiveness. It may take days, weeks or even months to prove that you can walk the walk behind the talk depending on how big the offense was.
Sincere Forgiveness is Just as Important as a Sincere Apology
If you’re the person being apologized to, accept and forgive your partner and forget what happened. Don’t continue to punish your partner. If a similar offense comes up again, don’t bring up the event. Talk about the pattern of behavior that you found troublesome. Luckily, that hasn’t happened between Parrot and I. We stick to our apologies and forgiveness. They’re valuable lessons learned.
Great communication definitely leads to great relationships and great sex. It also keeps those rough patches to a minimum. When they come up, great communication helps make them easy to forgive and forget.
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