Starting out as friends with benefits doesn’t always mean that one or the both of you aren’t emotionally unavailable. You can have any number of reasons why you don’t plan on locking in on a goal to commit to something bigger. If you check our sites like www.afriendwithbenefits.com.au (Australia) or www.friendwithbenefitsdating.com (USA), you’ll see that you’re not the only one who feels this way. Far from it.
But after you find that friend with benefits, things can change. Your heart may start to race early in the day or the way out to meet for your booty call. Your conversations get as deep and intimate as the time you spend in bed. You start spending nights together because they’re fun. Suddenly you realize, “I’m in love.”
For some people in a friends with benefits situation, it just happens. Friendships and relationships evolve over time, and the best ones get stronger and closer.
If this is a mutual connection of the heart, you’ll likely find some new rules, expectations and boundaries that work for you.
My relationship with Parrot can be considered friends with benefits that’s saturated with love and romance. Yet after three years, we still have no plans for either of us to pick up, move across the country and live together happily ever after. He can’t pick up his long established business and move it here. Both of us have close ties to our kids and grandkids. Some people in my life don’t understand it and question it, but that’s their problem. My happiness is all that counts for me. In fact, I think we have a great relationship because we don’t live together.
But what happens when it’s one-sided unrequited love? You really need to have that heart-to-heart talk. Coming out with a big revelation like this can be really scary, especially if the potential for rejection is high. But it’s something you have to do. Any partner, whether it’s a friend with benefits or lover, needs to know what’s on your mind. No one is a mind reader.
If your friend with benefits doesn’t feel the same, don’t feel disappointed or offended. You knew what you were getting into when you started your hookup arrangement. You can’t change someone’s feelings because yours changed. Try taking the perspective of, “This isn’t working out for me. I want something more.” In the end, your happiness counts. Move on and be open for other opportunities. If you found that being friends with benefits isn’t for you, consider it a learning experience.
You may find that your friend with benefits may be open to see if a deeper, more committed relationship could work. My advice is to take things on a day-by-day basis. Don’t have any expectations or goals. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, keep in mind that things aren’t meant to be and it was a worth a try.
If your partner confesses his or her love for you and you don’t feel the same way, be kind in saying that you can’t reciprocate in the way your crush with benefits would like. Restate the intentions you had going into your friends with benefits arrangement and kindly explain how and why they have not changed. If you both come to the decision that you cannot continue on as friends with benefits, be kind in wishing each other the best. Breaking up with class is the best way to let someone down. It goes to show that you have been a friend all along.
Never, ever go into a friends with benefits situation with the intention of making your friend fall in love with you. Being a manipulator is not attractive. Thinking that you can make a person owe you his or her affection and devotion because you do nice things for them with hidden strings attached is just wrong. No one has an obligation to reciprocate especially if they did not ask for these kinds of gestures. It does not make them a bad person. You only set yourself up for any kind of disappointment. Bottom line: deception is not sexy.
If you need some rules to make a friends with benefits work for you, check out www.afriendwithbenefits.com.au/friends-with-benefits-rules.