Ghosting – Why do People do This?

AGWDM ghostingIn the past, there had been a few guys I went out with once or a few times. Had a great time. Mutually so, I would say. If we weren’t together, the phone calls, emails and messages were pretty frequent. The men were pretty eager. Sometimes sex was involved.

Then one day, it would come to an end. Calls stopped coming. Messages never got returned. No red flags. No comments or behaviors I could recall that indicated that he wasn’t interested in me or wasn’t having a fun time. Boom. Done. Fini.

I had my suspicions why guys did this. I thought maybe they got scared that things were moving too fast. Maybe they had a big secret they didn’t want to reveal if they got too close. Maybe someone better came along. Either way, I thought it was a rude and shitty way to end things.

I didn’t realize this behavior had a name – ghosting – until Rebekah Beneteau, one of my Facebook friends who’s a sex, intimacy and kink coach and counselor brought it up. I was curious to know what her take was on this was, and this is what she said…

“As someone who has been ghosted, it usually happens when the date is good, rather than if there is clearly no chemistry. Those guys will just say, ‘I’m not into you.’

“I think if we want true answers, we have to ask the guys who do it. Women always make the mistake of assigning motives to men as if they were women. But for what it’s worth, here is my theory: 1. Most men intrinsically really want to serve women and make them happy. 2. Women are hard-wired to question their attractiveness and men doubt their own ability to produce. So men ghost after a good date because they secretly fear they won’t be able to keep it up, and that if we see them again, we are going to discover they aren’t that good in bed, or as interesting.

Women now get insulted, and if the guy does turn back up, we respond to them with defensiveness and rejection. It’s all based on our own story that he didn’t call because he doesn’t value us. He doesn’t tell you he isn’t interested because he is, he just needed a break to get his strength and courage up. But get beat up for taking too long a time or two to get back in touch and they no longer even bother. It’s better for to just serial date and go from fuck to fuck.

“They also may be thinking on some unconscious level, ‘Holy crap. I could get hooked on this one and I’m not ready.’

“Across the board, my male clients are longing for women who are in touch with their sexuality and who can have a really good time in bed. I think it’s good to remember that men are way less cruel and far more sensitive than women think they are. I don’t think they lack manners, they lack emotional intelligence. They avoid telling women no thank you because they don’t want to hurt us and they don’t want to have to deal with how upset we will be.

“Also, relationships are just not as much of a priority for men as they are for women. Contrary to what we’ve been taught, that all men want is sex, after a really good fuck, he’s satisfied and ready to go out and conquer the world. He is too busy fulfilling his mission with all the juice he just got to communicate. And once he lifts his head up, he probably realizes it’s too late to get in touch without getting skewered, so he never tries.”

I heard what Rebekah had to say. I agree with some of what she said. I do believe and know that there are well-intentioned men out there who, as Rebekah puts it, “are way less cruel and far more sensitive than women think they are.” I see those traits in many of the men I hear from who read my blog and the male friends I have in my life. I just don’t envision any of them ghosting.

But those men aren’t in the majority. All too often throughout the years, I’ve heard so many men talk about women as if they were commodities for their sole pleasure and amusement. They’ll talk about women in terms of “I banged her” instead of saying, “We had sex.” I’ve dated enough guys to learn that a lot of guys will say and do anything to get laid, but once they get what they want, the mask comes off. So, yeah, my benefit of the doubt tends toward the worst possible scenarios.

I shared my doubts with Rebekah and she suggested that I ask men on social media why they ghosted.

Not one man said he ever did this. Only two said they were surprised that men ghosted at all.

What took me as the biggest surprise was to hear that some of the women who chimed in on this conversation said they have ghosted. This was a first for me. I’ve never heard women admit to ghosting.

One of the women said, “I’ve ghosted men before, but never past one date. I have found that many get very nasty and a little cray-cray when I say, ‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ so it’s just easier.”

Another woman said that same kind of scenario happened to her. I can definitely understand why a woman would ghost in fear of having to deal with harassment and violence.

Ghosting is something I haven’t done and can’t wrap my head around. I’ve always been upfront by saying something like, “Sorry, but this isn’t going to work out for me.” I’ve usually gotten a lot of desperate begging and pleading that I give these guys a chance, sometimes to the point of stalkerish behavior, but I still think it’s the courteous thing to do. I think it’s better to let someone know than to leave them hanging.

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About Bobbie Morgan (1247 Articles)
Bobbie Morgan is the beditor-in-chief of A Good Woman's Dirty Mind. When she's not blogging or having the best sex ever, she's putting out writing and social media services for adult businesses. Use the contact link to reach her by email.

1 Comment on Ghosting – Why do People do This?

  1. OK, I’ll have a go here.
    I’ve never intentionally ghosted anyone. I’ve had cyber friends who have just vanished, perhaps I’ve been ghosted. So I’m not sure this is something that only men do.
    One friend I met through another forum vanished one day, nothing from anywhere she was normally active. Then reappeared a couple of years later. Tentatively at first, posting anonymously on a forum till I was sure who it was. We then exchanged a lot of emails eventually at least once per day often more, while I was away from home on a business trip. The return home broke up that flow I was away from computers for over 24 hours, but we still emailed once I was back. I then got totally snowed under at work, 16+ hour days and so I guess I didn’t communicate as much as I should. Then what appeared to be halfway through an exchange it just stopped dead again. Nothing and she vanished, even leaving a couple of half finished stories on the site we met through. Did my busy time cause the break, did it just break the spell. I guess I’ll never know.
    In other cases it has been that things have slowed down. Then it can then become embarrassing, I’ve not email for …. days which can then become …. weeks. Even when you both acknowledge it is happening, restarting the flow can be difficult.
    Perhaps this isn’t the same thing.
    In the cyber world it is often too easy to come and to go.

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