I have several friends in their late 40’s and older who believe if they haven’t found the man or woman of their dreams that it will never happen. Even though I’m proof that it can happen, they’re still not convinced. I have a friend who wishes to remain anonymous who wanted to share his story about how he met the love of his life in his mid-50’s. I hope you’ll be inspired and will cheer him on.
A year ago, “Leah” and I were both seeking a “sexmate”, not a “soulmate”.
Just a year go, this man in his fifties was miserable in a sexless marriage of nearly three decades. Just down the road from me, a woman, who is also in her fifties, was unhappy as she was engaged to a man who showed no intimacy towards her.
Both of us started searching online for a solution to our cheerless relationships. Google search information reveals that THE top marital complaint is about “sexless marriages”. Count me as one of those people using that search term. Maybe I was naïve, but I was surprised to find out that this subject is searched online 350% more often than “unhappy marriage”. And! Sexless marriages is 800% more common than “loveless marriage.” Other search data from Google shows there are 16 times more complaints about a spouse not wanting sex than about a married partner not being willing to talk about it.
I was looking for an answer for having any sort of sex, which was about every 45 days – the definition of a sexless marriage. There were times I had no sex for two or three months, and when I had it, the sex was very vanilla. Can you guess what position? Yes – I was on top every damn time. There was no variety, and I had to be the dominant one 100% of the time. (Boring!) To make matters worse, it was in the dark almost every time. I could not look in to her eyes nor see her body reacting to what was happening. There was no intimacy in the quick sex sessions; it had become an obligation for me that did allow me to cum. Through the years, I tried to spice things up and increase the frequency with suggestions, online video examples, and with reputable printed sources on the subject. None of these attempts on my part resulted in a positive response. Most fell on deaf ears. As a good friend of mine said, I was in a “sexless hell.”
Leah was looking for an answer because she knows that a good marriage is “best friends with passion.” Without that passion, you just have a friendship…nothing more. Too many couples think intimacy is just sex, but true intimacy goes beyond intercourse. In Leah’s relationship, she was not even getting sexual intercourse! Her fiancé never initiated lovemaking, and only seemed to get off with a hand job. Even the simple, but important things such as holding hands was missing in their relationship. Numerous talks about the one-sided and unemotional sex were constantly brushed off by the man Leah was supposed to be marrying.
Early last year, we took a route that we thought was best: an online website that promotes extramarital affairs. In other words, we were both seeking a “sexmate”, not a “soulmate”.
We did the usual initial communications to find out more about each other, and to find out what we wanted sexually. There were hundreds of emails being exchanged as we did not want our significant others figuring out what we were doing. Calling on our cell phones and texting were completely forbidden. Both leave electronic trails. The only way to communicate verbally was on phones that did not leave call logs. We met for lunch in April to see if we were physically attracted to each other. Let’s be honest, part of sex is a physical attraction. It was missing in my marriage as my wife had gained at least 75 pounds, and she was making no attempts to shed the extra weight despite my appeals to talk to a doctor about it.
After a sexless birthday weekend in May with my wife, Leah gave me the birthday gift I desired two days later. We met at a hotel in the city, and had sex for a few hours. It was definitely sex that night as we did it for the pure physical pleasure that it gives a person. That night, both of us viewed our relationship as “Friends With Benefits” – FWB. It was nothing more.
Two weeks later, FWB turned in to something that neither of us expected. It caught us both by surprise.
After dozens of phone calls and probably a hundred emails, we were having another one of our very open and honest telephone conversations. The two of us had been completely forthright about things. Yes; all aspects of sex had been discussed, but we were well beyond that. Leah made me so darn comfortable that I was telling her things that no one in my family knew about me, including my wife. Some of the things I thought were embarrassing, but Leah made me feel that I would not be vulnerable if I told her my complete past.
You can guess what happened one late-May afternoon while we were on the telephone talking. What had started out as friends with benefits was quickly moving on to a relationship with love, compassion, and respect. Feeling extremely comfortable with this special woman on the phone, this man in his fifties, posed a question that surprised even him. You got it! This married man asked Leah to marry him.
Say what you want. Believe what you want, but FWB relationships can morph in to something special. Let’s be honest here, many men and women look outside of their marriages because it is falling apart. Did you know that it’s estimated that about 15% of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year? This is according to Denise Donnelly, Professor of Sociology at Georgia State University. Donnelly says that once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard to rekindle their sex lives. A few years ago, she stated, “One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication.”
There are the narcissists, but most married men and women are probably looking to fill the sexual void in their lives. Our society has done a shitty job of preparing us for an important part of marriage. Add sexual shame in to the mix, and I am not surprised that as many as half of all marriages involve an extramarital affair. Bury your head in the sand if you do not believe me; I have done the research.
As our good friend stated the other day, “conversations get as deep and intimate as the time you spend in bed…suddenly you realize, ‘I’m in love.’” In just two months, we had a mutual connection of the heart. I had found my soulmate…the woman I want to faithfully spend the rest of my life with.
Leah and I have talked about our communications. It is one of the big reasons I see us having a great marriage. While other couples do not talk to each other, we are very open and honest about everything. Nothing is forbidden to be talked about. This includes every aspect of our lovemaking.
Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, M.D., the Founder Director of Heart To Heart Counselling Centre, stated, “Communicate your sexual needs! Communication is the life-line for sexual happiness to survive and flourish in every long-term conjugal relationship.”
Indeed; the best ones get stronger and closer.
We both have talked about – and are in total agreement – sex is one of the basic instincts in human beings, and it is powerful. Having a great sexual relationship is critical, and it involves excellent communications. It is not the amount (Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse about once a week) or quality of sexual relations that makes or breaks marriage, but rather how well the partners’ sexual needs and priorities fit together. This ‘fit’ comes only with communication, which we do in various ways. This includes our bodies communicating as we make love. Both of us are very in tuned with each other’s bodies as we make love. It makes a huge difference! This is why when we met for a second time (the first since I proposed) that our sex had turned in to lovemaking – the physical act enhanced with love and compassion. Looking back on it, Leah and I could see a huge positive change in our experiences in that hotel room.
Since then, I have finally separated – something I should have done before meeting Leah, but I cannot change that fact. Good people can do bad things; we are human. Both of us are not proud of the route, but we both know that if we keep loving each other, being intimate with other, and communicating openly and honestly with each other, neither of us will ever stray from the marriage. All of those things are needed for a successful marriage.
We have talked for hours on end, and have emailed each other thousands (not an exaggeration) of emails. The two of us have spent days together, knowing even more about each other. Because of this, our comfort levels are so high that Leah knows me better than my ex-wife of three decades does.
Another reason for so much comfort is that our sense of humor is so much alike. It was not that way with my ex-wife who could not understand my dead pan humor and often accused me of being mean to her…a wild thing to do since she had lived with me for almost thirty years. Since Leah and I are so much alike, she can beat me to my own punch line! She did it to me this week, and I told her I was not happy. She laughed at that as Leah knew I am full of manure. We both had a good laugh over the whole thing. There is no doubt Leah is my soulmate!
“Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins?” ~Nancy Garden, American Author
This quote is Leah and me! We feel like we are “One” – soulmates. What happened to us in December was the icing on the cake to our relationship. On a cold December night, we visited a jewelry store to get her necklace fixed. While in the store, I suggested we look for an engagement ring. The suggestion was made to get an idea of her tastes as I did not expect the small town jeweler to have anything she would love. Wrong! In less than fifteen minutes, Leah had found a ring that we both really liked and was affordable (I am in the middle of a divorce). How many people can truly state they have done that in a quarter-hour? How about in an hour? After I paid for it, Leah wanted to look for one for me. Want to guess how long it took? Less than five minutes! This is no exaggeration. Leah paid for my ring, and we left the jewelry store. Once outside, we laughed at how we had found our wedding rings in under twenty minutes. There was no doubt about us being soulmates!
Though the route we took was unconventional, it’s possible to find the partner of your dreams after 50. One does not know when that moment, when that special someone will come in to your life. It took me 56 years. As Jason Nesmith said in Galaxy Quest, “Never give up. Never surrender.” You are still young, even at our ages.