Help! It’s Impossible to Slay the PMS Bitch!

AGWDM PMS definitiion featuredYou guys have every right to complain about a woman when she’s in full PMS rage.

Every woman PMSes differently. Over the past several years, I get these intense moody and depressed mood swings. They’re uncontrollable, unstoppable and horribly ugly. No amount of Prozac or alcohol can counteract them. Neither can being rational. Being rational has nothing to do with my PMS moments and it does nothing to make those moods go away. Parrot’s a very rational person. He’s tried that approach. It just doesn’t work.

As much as I can try to describe to Parrot how horribly and uncontrollably depressed I can feel, I don’t think he can actually relate to what this is like. He just knows that whatever demon that possesses my mind will pick up and leave by the next day. I don’t blame him for those times when he wants to crawl into his proverbial man cave, soundproof the walls, and barricade the doors until my mood and attitude improves. Even though I totally think that’s a great coping mechanism for him during the other 27 days of my cycle, it pisses me off when he does that when I’m being a persistently needy and cloying hot mess. What I’ve always thought that I needed is to be spoiled and pampered.

AGWDM PMS meme 2This past weekend, I found out that approach doesn’t work either.

We had a wildly fun and awesome afternoon of wine tasting, a sinfully indulgent wine and picnic lunch, and more wine and cigars on some beautiful picnic grounds. It was one of those gorgeous sunny days that can only happen in Northern California, but a little too cool and public to make wild naked sex romp out of the afternoon. At least we had a gloriously ornate room at the B&B where we spent the weekend. We’re talking about pound our way into oblivion orgasmic kind of sex. Instead of rolling over and falling asleep, he took out his camera and started taking pictures of me. What could be more perfect than that?

AGWDM PMS level aeryn sun“Stop … Don’t … I don’t want my picture taken … I feel gross and ugly.”

Normally, I would revel in a moment like that. I didn’t stop to think why I’d tarnish an afternoon of romantic and sexual perfection with inhibition and self-consciousness, but I was adamant that I wanted nothing to do with taking advantage of the perfect setting and mood (up until that time) to take some naughty boudoir pictures.

Parrot was a sport about backing off with his camera. We decided to go out for dinner. This just wasn’t just any dinner but one of those chi-chi California cuisine of the moment kind of places because, “You deserve a nice night out.”

AGWDM PMS GPSWhat he said I deserved and how my uninvited dinner companion crashed and monopolized my mind was a recipe for disaster. This time, I had this nagging doubt that the book I’ve been working on about adult sex education was going to be an absolute flop.

“What if nobody cares about it? What if nobody buys it?”

This just wasn’t one of those times or places to have that conversation. It started over cocktails at the bar and went on through dinner. No matter what he said, I didn’t and couldn’t let it go. I had no inner censor that would have normally told me to shut the fuck up.

AGWDM PMS 3“I know; I heard you,” I said. “You told to me to finish the fucking book and get my publicity plan in place 20 fucking times already. But what if people think my book is shit and no one wants to write about it?”

“You do this (publicity) for a living; you have a popular sex blog that people read and like,” he said. “Just finish the fucking book and get your publicity plan in place.”

“But I don’t take on clients that have shitty products,” I said. “What if my book is shit?”

Poor guy. He just couldn’t get a break no matter how he tried to make things right – and that evening was and should have been beyond right if it weren’t for the PMS bitch making an unwelcome appearance. If my book was shit, even if a paragraph or two were the equivalent of a dainty fart, that evening was not the time to tell me if he wanted to walk out of the restaurant with his gastrointestinal system intact. If I were Parrot, I would have strangled me and left me in the parking garage.

AGWDM PMS personalityTwo days later, I’m really hating myself for putting him through that and ruining what should have been an evening we would have been reminiscing about for years. I don’t even know how to make amends for this. I can apologize and tell him that he’s the last person on earth who deserves this. He accepts my apologies, but if this is getting really old for me, what does he really think? I have no clue of what I can do to prevent this kind of bullshit from ever happening again. This kind of behavior, even if it’s one or two days a month, is way too excessive.

“Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself,” a girlfriend of mine said. “Once you go through menopause, you’ll never have a day like that again.”

But what if I’m like my mother who didn’t go through her change of life until she was 58? I could get through this for another eight years, but I can’t put Parrot through this for that long.

This time, unlike most others, I don’t have the answers to this relationship glitch. How do I take this PMS bitch, slam it to the curb, and make it my bitch?

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About Bobbie Morgan (1247 Articles)
Bobbie Morgan is the beditor-in-chief of A Good Woman's Dirty Mind. When she's not blogging or having the best sex ever, she's putting out writing and social media services for adult businesses. Use the contact link to reach her by email.

5 Comments on Help! It’s Impossible to Slay the PMS Bitch!

  1. I used to warn the guys I worked with (computer shop) and stayed away from people until I felt like myself again. HUGs Your book is going to be WONDERFUL! Love ya!

    • Bobbie Morgan // May 19, 2015 at 2:00 pm // Reply

      Once I know that PMS is hitting me, I keep a low cover until this beast passes. That was kind of hard to do while the two of us were off on a long weekend romantic getaway. I also don’t blog when I’m PMSing. I like to keep the positive in being sex-positive. The problem is that I’m not consciously aware when my mood swings first hit me. Like Parrot told me about a month ago, “What happened to my Bobbie and what did you do to her???”

  2. The much loved LadyAE used to suffer very badly from her periods, although the PMS wasn’t as bad as you’re describing here. After we had kids we looked at different contraception options and she was recommended a Merena coil, which is a coil that slowly releases hormones and lasts about 5 years. It took a few months for things to settle down but WOW what a difference it’s made to her life. Most of the time she’s completely unaware of when her periods are. Occasionally she’s get a little spotting, but rarely (maybe this year, maybe not) enough to trouble any sort of play time. But as well as the physical symptoms going, so have the recognisable mood swings. I’m not saying her mood is perfect all the time, but these sorts of things are a dim and distant memory.
    If she’s have known of this device before we wanted kids she’d have jumped at it. Before we knew each other it wasn’t unknown for her periods to hospitalise her.

    • Bobbie Morgan // May 19, 2015 at 2:03 pm // Reply

      I’ll have to look into that. I have heavy periods, too, and have even seen a blood disorder specialist who couldn’t figure it out. She thought it was anemia, but that wasn’t the reason.

  3. Damn, spelled that wrong, it should have been Mirena

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