Loving a Married Man

AGWDM loving a married manNormally, I would never consider seeing a married man. I don’t like the idea of sneaking around and never having an opportunity to enjoy each other’s company in public.

But I made a big exception with Parrot. It’s something that I haven’t been completely clear about when I’ve written about him and us. At first, I was concerned about the shaming and fallout I would hear, but now, I really don’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks. After feedback I’ve gotten from several readers and things that a few close friends have revealed to me over the years and recently, I’m a lot more comfortable in coming out about this.

In my case with Parrot, we were both married when we met 19 years ago. When we reunited over 3½ years ago, I hesitated at first. It wasn’t because he was married. It was because of the 2,000 mile distance between us. I thought it would be impractical to carry out an affair on a long-term basis. I could have done that, but we managed to work that out in the most beautiful way possible.

A Sexless Marriage
Parrot doesn’t have a miserable marriage. Neither he nor his wife hate each other, but for as long as I’ve known him, he and his wife lead very separate lives. Almost any time he talks about himself online, he almost never talks about being married or his wife, which is something that people do when they’re happily married.

What Parrot has is a sexless marriage. Even in the times we kept in touch as just friends, he’s told me about the many ways he’s tried to resolve that problem. They’ve gone through several years and thousands of dollars in couples counseling. They’ve gone on some wonderful romantic vacations. He takes her out on date nights. He’s been his usual demonstrative physical, romantic, affectionate self – a trait that has been outrivaled by any other man in my life and very few have come close. But when a spouse does not think that having a sexless marriage is a problem for them, it’s something they’re not likely going to fix.

From my point of view, any spouse that does not respond to those kinds of efforts is only asking for their spouse to be unfaithful to the intimate side of their marriage. I think it’s very unfair for one spouse to expect their partner to remain faithful while they do not feel compelled to participate in the intimate side of their marriage. Refusing to be intimate with your partner is betrayal, too. I hate to use clichés, but you can’t expect to have your cake, or in this case marriage, and not honor all parts of it, too.

Why he has not and will not leave his marriage is his choice. It’s a choice I accept and respect.

Why This has Been Okay for Me
I’m at a point in my life when getting married or living with something is not an end-all and be-all goal in a relationship. I’ve been there and done that twice. And like I mentioned earlier in this post and have mentioned often in my blog, he’s an extraordinary lover, man and friend. He doesn’t just treat me well; he treats other people well, too. I’ve seen him action in how he treats friends, clients, work colleagues, store cashiers and waiters. I’ve often told him, “I don’t understand how your wife cannot be madly and passionately in love with you.”

Plus, as I’ve mentioned before and many times in my blog, sex with him is the best sex ever.

Sex isn’t the only thing we share. We’re the first to tell each other about the happy things and small conquests that take place when it comes to work, families, friends, interests, hobbies, things we do, and places we see. We’re able to confide in each other when we have problems. We give each other support and advice. He does this better than anyone I’ve ever known. I give him extra kudos for putting up with me when I’m PMSing.

Do I miss him on special holidays and birthdays? Of course, but I knew that would be the case most of the time. Actually, any day I’ve been with him has been more special than any holiday or birthday. A date on a calendar does not make it any more special than any other day on a calendar.

Plus, there’s none of the sneaking around factor when we’re together. If I’m out to see him, we don’t do things that are close to his house. We he comes to see me, being discreet is not a factor at all. We’ve met and socialized with many of each other’s friends. I’ve never been in situations when I’ve felt like I’ve been his dirty little secret.

Actually, in all of the times we’ve been together, his wife has never called or texted to ask or say, “How are you doing?” “What’s going on?” “I love you,” or “I miss you.” I think that’s pretty sad. If I was married and had a husband who traveled as much as Parrot does, I’d text or call at least once a day, not to check up on him, but to make that daily connection. Whenever I’ve been in a loving relationship, I’ve always made it a point to say, “I love you,” at least once a day. It’s small, effortless, yet meaningful loving gesture.

No Guilt or Remorse
I’ve had a few friends ask if I’ve had any guilt or remorse.

My answer is always: “No. Absolutely none.”

I don’t see myself as taking Parrot away from his wife; I’m only seeing and spending time with him in a way she has chosen not to. I’ve made it very clear to him that I’d give my best wishes and support if he wanted to give 100% to his wife and marriage. I would not get in the way of that. I’ve told him so, several times.

Why I’ve Reconsidered … I Think … I’m Not Sure
A couple of weeks ago, Parrot and his wife went on vacation. The first few days, I saw pictures on Facebook that didn’t look like the typical pictures I’ve seen of him and his wife. They were pictures of a husband and wife who were happily, gleefully and blissfully in love with each other.

I thought about a story he told me about a time he planned a romantic vacation. He said they had a great time and had great sex, but as soon as they got home, the sex ended and never came back.

As much as I hate and certainly don’t advocate Dear John (or Dear Parrot) emails, I felt I had to send one in this circumstance. He was in parts of the world that had no, poor or very expensive smart phone and Wi-Fi connections. I told him what I saw in those photos. I told him that this fabulous vacation could be a great opportunity to reconnect with his wife and I could not and would not be in the way of that. If this is something he wanted to do, he needed to give this shot his undivided attention, and his wife deserved as much, too.

It was a decision I made for all the right and rational reasons from the friend side of me. The lover side of me is feeling very bittersweet.

Right now, I’m not sure how things will progress between us. That’s up to him. I don’t regret a moment I’ve had with him. I will always love him.

In the meantime, I can’t get this song out of my mind.

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About Bobbie Morgan (1247 Articles)
Bobbie Morgan is the beditor-in-chief of A Good Woman's Dirty Mind. When she's not blogging or having the best sex ever, she's putting out writing and social media services for adult businesses. Use the contact link to reach her by email.

19 Comments on Loving a Married Man

  1. I wish I could give you a big hug! You’re incredibly brave to share this part of your story.

    • Bobbie Morgan // August 24, 2015 at 9:38 pm // Reply

      Thank you. Even he told me the longer this relationship went on, the bigger the risk one of us would get hurt. I really hope he’s not hurting. He has a great capacity for love but he’s better at keeping things in perspective.

    • I’d like to second that thought, “I wish I could give you a big hug”

      I’m sorry I’d meant to write something when I first read this.
      I’m sure there will be people who will give you a hard time over this, but only someone who has been there can understand where you stand.
      I’m the other half of a story a little like this. I’m the man.
      I left my first wife for the lady who eventually agreed to be my second wife. I’ve no intention of making it three. Before I left my first wife (Mk1) LadyAE and I were lovers for several months.
      I guess other than that our stories differ, Mk1 knew that I was seeing a new lover, she’d encouraged that in the first place. I wasn’t actually going without sex at home, but sex at home had come to be something that only seemed to occur after I’d been with someone else and she didn’t seem much interested the rest of the time. It’s hard to explain, actually it’s hard to understand.
      But I feel for you and I wish you every happiness.
      Coming out like this is a very brave. Society as a whole can be so very narrow minded.

  2. Oh my goodness sweetheart <3 What a selfless thing to do. I don't know if I could do it. I wonder what women are thinking when they are in a sexless marriage, especially knowing men enjoy sex. HUGs Sending you lots of them and <3

    • Bobbie Morgan // August 25, 2015 at 9:37 am // Reply

      Thank you Debb. It’s not just that he enjoys sex and is a damn good lover, he’s also a good man. One can only go without sex for so long, and what he’s told me aren’t bullshit stories a lot of married men have told me in the past.

  3. Curious Questioner // August 25, 2015 at 4:53 pm // Reply

    I think the Coolidge Effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect has something to do with why sex tends to die out in Western marriages. I basically don’t think that people are meant to be controlled, especially their sexuality. I think sexuality needs “air” and this is why many end up cheating, because they do not want their sexualities to suffocate and they cannot find a more ethical working solution within the structure our Western society has laid out.

    • Bobbie Morgan // August 25, 2015 at 5:00 pm // Reply

      I don’t buy that theory based on one important factor — I’ve never met anyone who wanted to “fertilize” multiple partners. No one I know has the money or the time to care for and be responsible for children from multiple baby mamas.

  4. Been a while since I commented here–I’ve had a busy several months. From the male perspective here, I can relate to the “sexless” part even though I am not married but rather, in a LTR that has pretty much everything a married life does (including the living together, the daily text or talk if we haven’t seen each other) but the “spark” has mostly gone from the playroom. Not only that, either due to age or health issues, “things” don’t work as regularly as I’d like them to.

    I can’t really put my finger on why I have this urge to seek out someone else for intimacy. I do think it goes far beyond the “oh boy, I’m gettin’ laid” or “dirty little secret” aspect of it though. For my part, I like the thrill of discovering a woman completely, and the idea of moving beyond vanilla really appeals to me also. There are things I would like to explore that my partner would never even consider trying.

    Even so, the idea of an on-the-road “one-nighter” or a travel-based romance has its own appeal as well, and I have had opportunities but let them slip by me.

    It apparently isn’t an all-male problem either, as we read or even encounter the proverbial bored housewife or frisky divorcé (who may already be in a relationship) who want something similar.

    I guess I am saying that I am not at all opposed to what you and Parrot have, and that I do understand how and why it can happen in any relationship. The big difference I see between what you and Parrot have, and what some typical “flings” offer, is that you care for each other beyond the bedroom–sharing small bits of life and confiding in each other as friends first goes a lot further, in my opinion. Nothing at all to be ashamed of! Cherish what you’ve had together. Life is too short!

  5. Bobbie Morgan // August 26, 2015 at 12:53 pm // Reply

    I’m not clear about who’s lost the spark in your relationship, you or her. Either way, it’s something the two of you should acknowledge or talk about. It may be hard to do now, but it will be a lot more hard to deal with in the future.

    We chatted several months ago and you mentioned that there were some kid/family/ex issues going on. Stuff like that, especially at that level and if it’s ongoing, can put a real stress on a relationship. I hate to say it, but that was one of many reasons I left my ex-live-in. It wasn’t so much his problem child who got himself into pretty epic shit on a monthly basis, but also his inability to be a parent and his inability to co-parent with his ex. We had other problems that were just as big, too.

    You’re right. What we have is more than a fling and in a lot of cases I fulfill those missing needs, too. He’s into some personal pursuits and has made some accomplishments that his wife doesn’t acknowledge or has complained about a time or two. I can’t help but to champion them and be his cheerleader. He does the same for me. Little things like that are big, meaningful connections, too.

    • Thanks for the follow-up. :) I think we both feel that we are now “just good friends” and to be honest, it’s pretty much implied that if one or both of us find remote jobs (we are looking outside the state), we may not follow each other if we go. You’re correct in that there were some family issues, and there was also an “emotional cheating” incident a few years ago on her part, which I think was more of a mid-life crisis incident than anything else. (She’s too panicky these days to hop into bed with anyone she doesn’t know, on top of having health issues…but I think she wanted to see if she could still attract men, and went to dinner with a couple of them.)

      It’s strange on my part also–I do have this strong urge to seek someone out for intimacy or a play partner but on the other hand, I start feeling more like I am window shopping and not really trying to connect at all. I really like my alone time, not having to constantly worry about upsetting anyone or feeling like I’m leaving them behind due to the many activities that I enjoy that they don’t. I could just be one of those who likes dreaming about the “other woman” but never gets motivated enough to do anything about it, no matter how strong the urge…

      • Bobbie Morgan // August 29, 2015 at 9:41 pm // Reply

        I totally get where you are in your relationship. One of my best friends is a Unity minister and we’ve talked about relationships like yours quite often. He believes that when we strike up intimate relationships (even platonic friendships) that they serve a specific purpose — romance, sex, companionship, children, financial stability, etc. When that purpose has been fulfilled, that’s when many couples tend to drift. A book he recommends and you may want to check out is Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Kingma.

        It sounds to me as if the both of you are making plans for an inevitable split and that you’re doing it with dignity and respect for each other.

        On the other hand, I think it’s very healthy to have some alone time or time to pursue your own interests. I feel bad that your partner doesn’t take an interest or doesn’t seem to be supportive in some of your pursuits. However, if you don’t have things you like to do things you enjoy on your own time, you’re losing a part of yourself and that’s not fair to you.

        In my situation with Parrot, we have some very different interests, but speaking for myself, the things that he’s into make him a very interesting person. I can still be his champion and cheerleader as he is with me.

        My situation, like anyone else’s, is different. At this point, things look very hopeful that things will continue on.

  6. He doesnt want to leave his wife cause it would ruin his family dynamic and you seem to fit the bill for him and his activities

    • Bobbie Morgan // September 14, 2015 at 9:48 pm // Reply

      Family dynamic is important and that’s something that’s working for him and he values. I wouldn’t do anything that would disrupt that.

  7. Thank you. You have expressed so much here, in particular for those of us who have followed you for quite awhile. Marriage is never simple as you well know. I hope this all works out (for all of you) in some way that brings you each peace. Can not resist a different take on the song – same lyrics but somehow a bit better feeling as it plays …. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPI3dhcmYEI

    • Bobbie Morgan // August 29, 2015 at 9:16 pm // Reply

      Thank you for the kind words. Yes, marriage can be complicated. In the past several years, I’ve often thought about how we’re all expected to follow a script in our intimate relationships. I know very few people who have been able to live very happily and lovingly in long-term marriages. The people we were and the lives we lead in our 20’s is nothing like the people we are and our lives in our 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond.

      And thanks for passing along the Jimmy Cliff version of that song. Amazing how a change in tempo and pitch of a voice can send a very different message. I love it!

      I really appreciate you telling me that you’ve been reading my blog for a while. I know I have lots of readers, yet I can’t wrap my head around who you and all of these people are. It’s so nice of you to take time out to say, “Hi!”

  8. This story left me teary eyed and also left me thinking what a good woman you are!

  9. Just like the prior commentor, this story, too, left me teary eyed. I agree with you 100%/whole-heartedly… I’ve spoken with many men and women who feel like they can’t have all their needs fulfilled by one person…it makes me think there needs to be or a coming to be a shift in societial acceptances. Maybe it’s already begun. You seem to be a woman of tremendous courage, love, strength and openess…I hope you get everything you want and need in your future. And I just found your blog out here…and love it! so you better not go away. ;)

  10. Bobbie Morgan // September 14, 2015 at 9:46 pm // Reply

    Karen, so nice to meet a new reader! I don’t plan on going away. I’m *this* close to promising that I’ll be carrying on!

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