Great Sex & Relationships

Men Say They Want a Lady in the Parlor and a Whore in the Bedroom, But do They Really?

Men say that they want a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom, but do they really?

I swear I will take that question unanswered to my grave.

In my experience, very few men are capable of truly valuing those two disparate qualities in one woman. In fact, two specifically – my current lover and paramour, Jon*, and Brett*, a man I was involved with just after my separation and divorce.

Jon often brings up the point that our sex life is so over-the-top because we are completely honest and open about each other and our feelings; not just sexually, but us as people – faults and all — about things that go on in our day-to-day lives. He loves how responsive I am and I’m not afraid to let myself go in the moment. But he’s also an absolute gentleman to me and enjoys treating me well and indulging me in things and experiences I ways I never would for myself.

However, a lot of men I’ve talked to, dated or were potential dating material weren’t and aren’t the same way. I don’t know how many times in the past I’ve met men who talked the game about wanting a long-term relationship with a woman like me, but the second or third date is more like a booty call … those 8:30, nine o’clock in the evening phone calls that go something like, “Whatcha doin’? Want to come over?” Or worse yet, guys like a guy I dated a few times, Jeremy*, who told me: “I love that you’re a wildcat in the bedroom, but I can’t see myself bringing someone like you around to meet my parents or my kids.”

Someone like me? And what would his parents or 6- and 8-eight year old kids know or assume about our sex life to judge me? And didn’t he have an equal role in our escapades, too?

And then I think of my ex-fiancé, Gary*, who was my high school sweetheart and with whom I reconnected with 18 years later, a few years after my divorce. He treated me like a queen, was great with my kids, and sex was pretty good. The subject came up about who we had been with since our divorces. He got enraged when I told him about Brett – as if I was supposed to have saved myself for the remote possibility that we’d reconnect later in life?

I don’t get the double standard. I get that it has existed since dirt was born, but we live in a time when women are expected to work and be the nurturing mother and the PTA president and it’s only taken 30 years or so to get to that level of acceptance. Perhaps it’s because women, too, expect women to be ladies – to be pure and sweet – otherwise, they’re labeled as sluts. Then again, that can be the “Mean Girl” thing that really doesn’t end after graduation from high school. And women say men never grow up … but that’s another topic.

Despite a couple of generations of women who have read Cosmopolitan, I don’t understand why it’s really not OK among men and women that women can’t or shouldn’t enjoy and be enthusiastic about sex. Perhaps seeing the Fifty Shades trilogy dominating the bestsellers charts is indicating times are finally changing. I hope.

Then there’s that joke among sexual predator types who believe and assume that a woman who puts out has low self-esteem and will do anything to get a man to pay attention to her, and will often try to use that to their advantage to take advantage of a woman. But when they pull that crap on a woman who’s confident to flaunt her sexual best and smart enough to tell them to piss off, then she’s a bitch or a cock tease.

I’m neither, and just because I enjoy and want a robust sex life doesn’t mean I’m a whore. As frustrating as it has been in the past, I don’t sleep around. It’s just not worth the bullshit to be treated like a whore out of the bedroom … even if it means being in love with a man I only get to see once every 6-8 weeks. Like I said, men who appreciate a lady/whore are hard to find.

*Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Related Post: How Many Men Can Do This?