Ask the Sexpert

Ms. Q & A: He Doesn’t Like Going Down on Her

Dear Ms. Q,

I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of months. He’s good looking, classy, intelligent, funny and sexy as hell. However, there’s one problem: he won’t go down on me.

He did it once for my birthday. He knew what he was doing, but he wasn’t very enthusiastic about it. A few days later I told him how much I liked it and wished that he’d do it more often. All he told me was, “It’s not my favorite thing to do.” It was the end of that conversation.

Otherwise, our sex life is pretty hot, but I feel like I’m being shortchanged. He has no problem with me going down on him and I really don’t think it’s fair that I’m missing out on something that I really enjoy. How can I approach this another way?

Luscious Lolly

Dear Lolly,

A man who doesn’t like going down on a woman? That doesn’t sound like most men, so I tossed your dilemma online to get some feedback from men. Here’s what I got:

I love cunnilingus, but for those who don’t, there may be some practical considerations. I find giving oral is a lot easier when the area’s trimmed, which has the additional merit of sensitizing the area as well. Just plain good hygiene is usually a good thing as well, although I’m aware that there are certainly some who feel differently.

Maybe he feels he doesn’t do it well. Maybe he has religious qualms leftover from his youth. Maybe a bad experience (period?).

I wouldn’t as I would prefer to not get a secondary infection due to a compromised immune system and oral thrush.

Thinking, ‘What do I do here? I’ll be lousy at this!’ Also, being not too sure about the taste.

For the first I listened to her. For the second, well, acquired tastes are the ones you end up loving the most.

… There’s another: avoiding injury to head and neck when close up to wildly bucking thighs and torso.

I like to go down on women, but if there is no cleanliness involved, it is certainly not pleasant.

Or he could be like Uncle Junior in The Sopranos.

You say that you’ve only been seeing each other for a few months. Perhaps he doesn’t feel as if he knows or trusts you well enough (with his feelings) to give you a more detailed answer. I would like to think if people can get physically naked with each other that they should be able to have naked conversations. That’s not always the case, even with couples who have been married or with each other for years.

Now that you have the possible reasons, you might be able to address his qualms if you bring up the question again. When you’re not in the sex mode or gearing up for sex, say to him casually: “You said going down isn’t your favorite thing to do. Why is that?” Asking him in a sex-neutral sceanario will take the pressure off of him to give a sincere answer. Also, don’t ask if he doesn’t like going down on you specifically. That will only open up an awkward and contentious moment neither one of you will be able to take back.

It doesn’t sound as if you want to ditch this guy because he won’t perform oral sex on you. Perhaps you could incorporate a sex toy. One I haven’t tried but have been curious about is the Sqweel 2. It’s a 10-tongue battery-powered wheel. There are other replaceable wheels with different textures for different sensations. I’m sure it’s worth giving it a try whether or not he decides to work on his oral skills with you.

Good luck!

Ms. Q

Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.