Ask the Sexpert

Ms. Q & A: He’s Lousy in Bed

Dear Ms. Q,

I’ve been dating a gentleman for a couple of months. I’m a widow and he’s a widower and we’re the first people we’ve been with since our spouses died. (It’s been about two years for both of us.) He’s an absolute sweetheart of a man except that he’s lousy in bed. He’s unskilled and clumsy like a teenager the first time with a girl.

It’s frustrating for me because my late husband and I had an incredible sex life. We were spontaneous and adventurous. Plus, I didn’t meet my husband until I was 28 and there had been a few other men before him.

I don’t know much about my new guy’s sexual history except that he got married when he was 21 and his wife was the only woman he ever had sex with. He’s never talked about their sex life except to say that they were a happily married couple.

I don’t get that he’s shy or has a lot of inhibitions about sex. Every time we’ve been together he seems incredibly happy and uses words like “incredible” and “amazing” with me. But I don’t see him stepping up his game and I don’t know if I want to play the role of teacher with him. I really adore him and enjoy his company, but I really want a sexual equal. Is that wrong of me?

Doubtful Donna

Dear Donna,

Right now, you’re just as enamored with his attention and companionship as much as he is with yours … not to mention your skills in bed. You’re both new to dating. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a man’s company. Men like that are called friends.

It seems as if you already get the idea that your new beau started out knowing nothing about sex and never took the opportunity to learn more beyond the basic instincts. I also get the feeling that he or maybe the both of you aren’t comfortable talking about sex with each other. Perhaps you’re uneasy about revealing your true sexual self to someone who is rather sheltered?

My point of view is if you’re comfortable enough to get naked in front of each other, you should be comfortable enough to have some naked conversations.

In this case, I would find some books or articles about sex or sexual techniques that he could improve upon. Tell him what you’re reading and what you’ve learned. See where the conversation goes. If he’s interested or engaged in the conversation, send him a link or give him a copy of the article or the book.

I suggest this approach because of two words that you used to describe the sex life that you had with your late husband: spontaneous and adventurous. People like this are intensely curious about sex and other interests will gobble up new information. They want to understand it. They want to try new things.

If he shies away from the conversation, I guarantee that you’ll be stuck with someone who isn’t like you temperamentally or in personality. Those things will likely lead to other problems in your relationship down the road.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your sexual equal. It’s no different than wanting a partner who’s your intellectual equal. I know it sounds crass and shallow to break up with someone because he’s a lousy lover, but you don’t have to settle down with the first man who’s nice to you. If you decide to move on from this guy, take some time to meet and date several guys before you find one worthy of getting under the sheets.

Ms. Q

Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.