Ask the Sexpert

Ms. Q & A: Is it Slut Shaming, Insecurity or not Knowing What He Wants?

Dear Ms. Q,

I’m in my mid-30’s, divorced for about six months, and recently met a guy worth seeing beyond a first date. He’s good looking, we get along well, share some common interests, and have kids about the same ages.

On our third date, things got really flirtatious and naughty. After dinner and a couple of drinks, he asked me what I thought about going back to my place. I was a little hesitant at first (it was the first time I’ve been with a man since my ex), but it felt right.

The sex was great. It was pretty wild and uninhibited. He seemed to enjoy himself and I enjoyed him and felt comfortable.

The next day I invited him over for dinner. He sounded distant and like he was avoiding giving me an answer. Finally, he said, “I don’t know if this is going to work out for me. I don’t know if I could date a woman like you.”

I asked him what he meant by that. He told me that he couldn’t see bringing a woman like me around his kids and family.

I’m shocked and insulted. It was all fun and games until the next day. It’s not like he was an unwilling participant. He asked me to have sex with him, and he liked it. Plus, his kids (6 and 8) don’t have a clue of what sex is all about and what is his family going to know about what goes on with us privately?

When guys want sex, don’t they know what the fuck they want?

WTF Fran

Dear Fran,

Ugh. Slut shaming. Double standards. Hypocrisy. You don’t need that.

On the other hand, I’m willing to bet that what came out of his mouth was just poorly articulated.

A lot of guys can be intimidated by a woman who knows more or does more than them. Perhaps he felt intimidated by your sexuality. Guys also feel this way about women who are smarter than them or, make more money or have better jobs than they do.

Also, even men who claim to have high sex drives (OK, that’s all men) and have a lot of items on their sexual bucket lists wouldn’t know what to do if their fantasies became real-life opportunities. Whatever happened between the two of you that night, I’m sure he wasn’t expecting it and it didn’t dawn on him until the next day.

My guess is that what happened between the two of you was nothing like anything that happened between him and his ex. Perhaps what he finds appealing is a woman who’s more Madonna and less whore. Of course what goes on between the two of you in private is of no concern of his kids and family. What he’s really projecting is his preference in women and his sexual comfort level.

I’m sorry you had to go through this. Chances are that sooner or later you would have discovered that the two of your really weren’t compatible. Call it a broken heart disguised as a lesson learned.

When you meet a guy with whom you think you share some mutual chemistry, have a talk about sex before you hit he sheets. Talk about likes, dislikes, preferences and bucket list items. Talk about your sexual history, what you do for birth control and STD protection, and what you will do in what-if situations. Do this at a time when you’re not a few steps away from the bedroom. Give yourselves a couple of days to assess your sexual compatibility and expectations. If it all gels between the two of you, a few days of absence and abstinence will make the heart (and other body parts) grow fonder.

Ms. Q

Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.