Ask the Sexpert

Ms. Q & A: She Feels Strapped About Wearing a Strap-On

Dear Ms. Q,

I met the most incredible guy. About a month or so into our relationship, he confessed that he was really into BDSM. It was all new to me and something I never considered getting into until I met him. Ever since I crossed into the dark side with him, it’s like WOW! … the best sex I ever had. I feel most comfortable as a submissive, but we switch every once in a while.

He also introduced me to anal sex. It was something I wasn’t crazy about at first, but now it’s something I enjoy giving and receiving except for two things:

1. We’re going to a BDSM party (the first one for me, he’s been to others in the past) and he wants me to wear a strap-on.
2. He wants me to peg him while wearing the strap-on. Not at the party, but in private.

I’m not crazy about wearing a strap-on in front of others. I know that it would be a really big turn-on or him and that anything goes at BDSM parties, but I feel uncomfortable doing this as my first impression in front of these people. Maybe it’s better to say that I’m uncomfortable about it period.

It doesn’t bother me that he likes to be pleasured anally. It’s something I enjoy and it makes total sense why he enjoys it, too, especially when I give him prostate massages. It makes me feel empowered when I see how much he enjoys it from me.

I love being a woman, but the thought of wearing a dildo, let alone using one on him in this way, makes me feel like I’d be crossing a line with my sexual identity. (What can I say? I was born this way.) The thought of wearing a strap-on makes me feel like I’d be a freak. How can I make him understand this?

Pondering Peggy

Dear Peggy,

As a sub, you know that having your mental, physical and emotional boundaries pushed is part of BDSM play. Reading between the lines in your letter, I get the feeling that you haven’t told him that wearing a strap-on or strap-on play is a hard limit for you. Have you told him why you’re hesitant? What did he say?

I also get the feeling that you’ve come to me for advice because you don’t want to just hear it from your guy who has an interest in persuading you do to these things.

My advice is to give it a try. It’s not an activity that’s physically risky or harmful. Take baby steps. Start out by wearing the strap-on in private for him. Watch some strap-on-themed porn. I’m sure he’ll be able to communicate a lot better – verbally and non-verbally — with some visual stimulation. Judge his reaction and discuss how you both feel afterward.

I also recommend that you start cultivating some contacts with other subs and Dommes through munches or online forums on sites like FetLife or BDSMfriendBOOK. Chances are that your dilemma has already been discussed at length in a discussion thread or there may be other women who would be willing to share their perspectives on this topic with you. As much as it sounds like you and your guy communicate well (or should), sometimes you just need an outside objective opinion or guidance from another woman.

If you’ve given the strap-on a try and If it really messes with your head in a bad way, let him know that it’s a hard limit. Sex in any of its shapes and forms should always be fun, exciting and fulfilling.

Ms. Q

Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.