Dear Ms. Q,
I recently met a fantastic guy. He’s gorgeous, funny, intelligent and sexy. When I say sexy, I’m talking about the best sex I ever had, like call the fire department to put out the flames sex.
And then he dropped the bomb on me: he’s bi.
He says he prefers women and wants to have a relationship with me, but he still wants to see a buddy of his. They get together every once in a while for coffee in the morning or drinks at a club, fuck, and leave. He says there is no relationship, no romance.
I’ve always been LGBT-friendly, but as much as I’m crazy about this guy, I’m conflicted about having him in my life. I feel guilty that I have a prejudice that’s showing through. Am I being a hypocrite for not understanding and being open-minded to his situation?
I suppose there was no good time for him to make that revelation, but the time for that was before he bedded you and told you that he wants a relationship with you.
I’m sure he’s giving himself credit for being honest, but in reality what he’s saying is: “I want a relationship with you, but I want permission to mess around.”
I get the vibe that you want an exclusive relationship. If I’m right, replace the word “buddy” with “woman.” Does it make a difference?
If you’re really challenging your open-mindedness, ask him this: “If I were to tell you that I had a guy who was just a fuck buddy, how would you feel if I hooked up with him every once in a while?” Chances are that he wouldn’t be too comfortable with it.
Another way of looking at it is if you’re straight, it doesn’t mean that it limits you to being attracted to just one person. If you’re able to exercise self-control to make a relationship work, the same should be expected of him. If those are your parameters, there’s nothing wrong with them. Don’t let this situation doubt your gender acceptance and diversity beliefs.
In short, let him make the choice if he indeed prefers women, specifically you.