‘Nice Guys’ Finish Last, or at Least Should

I’ve drop-kicked one of my male friends out of the friend zone.

The other night I was out with three of my guy buddies — Rob*, Carl* and Jim*. We’re all single/divorced and talk about dating and relationships often.

Jim has been on the prowl since his divorce was finalized last March. He’s shameless about telling people that all he wants is a one-night stand. He constantly trolls the online dating sites, even on his phone when he’s out with us. It’s rude and annoying, and we’ve all told him so … on more than one occasion. When he’s not scrolling his phone, his eyes scan the room for the most attractive girls who usually are a good twenty or more years younger than his fifty years of age. If he gets the nerve to approach them, they immediately turn their heads and look away. I can practically see their skin crawl. On more than one occasion Rob and Carl have told me, “I’m embarrassed to go out with him. Sometimes I tell him that I have other plans even if I don’t.”

In the past two weeks Jim has made some comments suggesting that I should be his bedmate. I assumed Jim was joking the first time since he made the comments in front of Carl and Rob. I ignored it. The second time I told him, “What you said about taking me shopping at Victoria’s Secret and offering to keep me warm in your big, empty bed was uncomfortable and in bad taste. Knock it off.”

A few minutes later, Jim was telling Carl about one of his prospects, a new woman from his church who tempted him with her black knee-high boots. He said, “Hi,” to her. She said, “Hi,” back, which he took as a sign that she found him attractive. He saw her again at a New Year’s Eve singles mixer, approached her, and said, “Hey, you’re the girl with the boots,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to meet you.”

“Tell me you didn’t approach her that way,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said, as if he was proud of his bravado.

I shook my head and said, “Women don’t like to be approached that way. They want to see that you’re interested in them as a person and not as a sexual object.”

“Hey, it works sometimes,” he said.

How often is “sometimes” for him?

Never, and it’s not as if I and several of my guy friends haven’t given him tips on how to approach and treat women … advice that he has completely ignored.

Rob heard the conversation from the other room, and later told me, “It turned my stomach. I’ve hung by his side all this time because he’s going through a tough time and he’s lonely, but he’s been like an albatross around my neck. Now I know have to cut the cord.”

I’ve written about guys like him before**. I often don’t know whether to laugh or get ill. I guess I have a fascination with them in the same viewing-a-train-wreck way some people take an interest in people like the Lindsay Lohan, Honey Boo Boo and her family or the Kardashians. This time, it’s really hitting me hard because one of these guys is in my inner circle of longtime and cherished friends.

Earlier that day, I came across an article, A note on the Nice Guys of OK Cupid. The article is about a Tumblr site that mocks men who pass themselves off a “nice guys” but turn vicious and vindictive the moment women turn down their pleas to date for companionship for sex on the online dating site OKCupid, which the author, Laurie Penny, describes as, “a dispiriting catalogue of desperation and misogynist entitlement.”

Before you assume that the article is just a rant from a feminist, which Penny doesn’t deny, Hugo Schwyzer penned a similar point of view on Jezebel, No One is Entitled to Sex: Why We Should Mock the Nice Guys of OkCupid.

I assumed the Tumblr site was active when Schwyzer’ s article was published on January 3, 2013. When I clicked on the link three days later, it was gone.

Thinking back on what Rob said about standing by Jim’s side all this time, I wish I would have quoted Schwyzer’ s summation about Jim-like guys:

So how should we respond, when, as Penny writes, “sexist dickwaddery puts photos on the internet and asks to be loved?” The short answer is that a lonely dickwad is still a dickwad; the fact that these guys are in genuine pain makes them more rather than less likely to mistreat the women they encounter. A rage rooted in anguish is no less dangerous because it comes from the Great Big Sad Place. For that reason alone, we shouldn’t make men’s pain into women’s (or in Rob’s case, best buddy’s) problem to solve.

At least Jim doesn’t fire off vile and venom at the women who have turned down his offer for a one-night shag, although he refers to women as “chicks” and “broads”. He remains cluelessly hopeful that one will fall in his net.

From the gut-wrenching disgust of desperation and douchebaggery brought on by someone I considered to be a friend for a little over 30 years, I’m even more militant about exposing these men. It’s not just for the sake of laughing and venting with women (including myself) who have had to spend more than one minute messaging, talking, chatting or meeting with this ilk that compose the scum of bottom of the sea of the “plenty of fish”, but also for the sake of defending men who truly are nice guys without the quotation marks.

Genuine nice guys are out there. Really. I have one in my life, and he’s one of the best, if not the best.

Genuine nice guys don’t have to a woman they’re a nice guy when they’re throwing out the bait to get to know her. They’re not looking for a hookup; they’re looking for a woman they can find beautiful inside and out, appreciate, enjoy, and want to be with the morning after and hopefully happily ever after. Sure, they want a great sex partner, but considering that sex typically lasts anywhere from only twenty to forty-five minutes, there has to be more to fill those hours and days in between. When they don’t snag a catch, they don’t project their failure as the fault of “bitches”, “whores” and “sluts”. Sure, they get lonely and disappointed, but they’ll fill their alone time reading, writing, watching movies, fishing, hunting, sailing, brewing beer, baking bread, smoking bacon, or any number of things that make them interesting.

And interesting is sexy.

*Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
**Related stories –
Dating & Relationships: It’s not Easy for the Guys Either
Craigslist Douchebag: Bad Santa
Men Looking for Personal Porn Stars on Craigslist
Men Say They Want a Lady in the Parlor and a Whore in the Bedroom, But do They Really?
Wear My Wife’s … Bra?

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About Bobbie Morgan (1247 Articles)
Bobbie Morgan is the beditor-in-chief of A Good Woman's Dirty Mind. When she's not blogging or having the best sex ever, she's putting out writing and social media services for adult businesses. Use the contact link to reach her by email.

4 Comments on ‘Nice Guys’ Finish Last, or at Least Should

  1. It’s one of those things where I wish I could sit here and shake my head and say my piece, but then I get trapped.

    See, but protesting against these fools I become the “Nice Guy”, and the Nice Guy, as you said, should finish last.

    A strange irony is it not?

    • I don’t see it that way. Jim and others like him are grown men. They should have learned years ago how to treat and respect women. A lot of them know they’re just using women and don’t care how a woman feels once they’ve left the bed and moved on. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard guys like Jim joke about finding a girl with low-self esteem when they want to get laid just for the night … it’s been too many. I also hate to admit there’s been a time or two that I’ve been snagged, shagged and quickly released, from a “Nice Guy’s” trap.

      Maybe if you were a woman who has ever been hit on by guys like this or maybe if you had a close female friend who has been disrespected by guys like this you’d feel differently. I know it was a turning point for my friend Rob.

  2. This article reminds me of my late 20’s. I was a dirty old man magnet. I was mostly single from age 25 – 30 but I looked like I was 19-22. The only men that approached me were men like your friend Jim. Men clearly in their late 40’s or early 50’s and at times older. I don’t have an issue with older men being younger women, I am now married to a man that is 14 years older than me. What I had a problem with is that these men usually commented up front that they thought I was 19. If I felt the desire to tell them my true age, they seemed to be disappointed which was just one more sign of how creepy they really were. This happened more than just a few times, it became ridiculous and I got a complex that I could only attract these creeps. It seemed that normal men in who were in my age group, usually wouldn’t give me a second glance. For the sake of my sanity I had to assume it was because they thought I was too young for them!

    I started online dating where my age was clearly stated. There were many trolls on there similar to the men mentioned in the OK Cupid article. I was surprised by how many guys who seemed nice, would get upset, rude and angry if I didn’t want to continue to a 2nd or 3rd date. The first date for me was usually a simple coffee date, not a big time or $ investment. They would tell me that I was like all the other women out there who said they wanted a nice guy but obviously didn’t because he was a nice guy and I was turning him down. I’m a nice, respectful person. These guys were not responding rudely because I had turned them down in a bitchy way, I hadn’t. They were angry because they weren’t getting what they wanted or expected out of me.

    Saying all that, I did meet many nice guys and respectful men. I love men. I am married to a fabulous, nice guy, a great man. I have 2 older brothers that are great men/nice guys. I refused to let fake “nice guys” and dirty old men mar my belief in real nice guys.

  3. MsQuote – Nicely said…I’ve expressed my opinions on the Craigslist ads of the desperate, sick and disturbing. People like this are so so sad and truly overcompensating for lacking self esteem among MANY other things!!! Unfortunately, where there are predators there will always be weak prey.

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