Toys in the Boudoir

Review: The Golden Triangle Pearl Sheens Double Dick Challenge

I knew Golden Triangle was sending me something to review, but I couldn’t remember what it was until the UPS guy came to my door.

Holy ding dong! If he ever knew! If only I knew!

At first glimpse I was terrified. The 8.5-inch Slim and 9-inch Pearl Sheens aren’t the biggest cock vibrators I’ve ever seen, but they were the biggest I would use. And there was something that was rather gruesome about seeing a 1.75-inch wide monstrously Varicose-veiny cock in shiny, pearly purple. Who was this modeled from? The Incredible Hulk?

I decided to take on the purple monster’s cousin first – an 8.5-inch champagne gold (listed as brown on the company website) colored cock that looked a little more human, didn’t have veins that looked like they were going to splatter all over the place, and was a little bit slimmer, about 1.5 inches in diameter. It could have passed for my ex’s cock, which was maybe a half-inch shorter in actual length.

Let me clear up the length thing here a bit. These vibrator measurements are kind of like the way men in adult chat rooms and dating sites over measure their dicks. About 1.5 inches of these bad boys isn’t insertable. The screw-on battery access caps and twisty vibration control thingies at the base apparently count for size. I told myself that I didn’t have to take in all 7 inches. There was no pressure to please or satisfy the Pearl Sheen Slim (AKA BOB No. 1 – battery operated boyfriend). This was all about me.

As soon as I popped two AA batteries into BOB No. 1, I remembered what it was like to get a cheap fuck. I mean that in the best way possible. Let’s be honest, there are times even the most refined women enjoys a good blow-the-roof-off-the-house bang and orgasm. And for $12.60 (the price it sells for at A Good Woman’s Dirty Boutique), that’s about as cheap as you get for a full-sized vibrator.

[RANT] Now before the safe sex toy police go ape shit on me, these PVC Pearl Sheens are phthalate-free. Prove it? Unless you have the equipment to prove otherwise, I’m going to take Golden Triangle’s word for it. I’m also going to take CE’s* word for it, too. I know softened PVC is porous, and I know that it’s going to get a bit gunky after a 6-12 months. For under $13, it’s worthy my occasional pleasure, especially if I keep it clean, store it properly, and don’t leave it in my vagina for days, weeks and month on end. Using BOB Nos. 1 or 2 once or twice a month for about 5-10 minutes at a time, if that, is hardly what I would call a toxic risk.

I don’t mean to sound like I don’t take health or environmental risks seriously. I’m just sick and tired of slick marketers creating scares about toxic sex toys and sex toys that “could have potential health risks” to disparage their competition and justify the reason to buy more expensive products. Not everyone can afford over $100 or even $50 for a sex toy. There are many other legitimate health and environmental problems that need awareness and support. Stop inventing and creating campaigns for problems that don’t exist. [END RANT]

It’s been a while since I last used and finally disposed of my last jelly vibrator, and I remembered what I enjoyed about them. The texture is so soft and pleasing against my skin and tissue while I’m pleasuring myself. It’s more skin-like than most silicone vibrators. While BOB No. 1 has only one speed that matters, the highest, its murmur-y vibe is kind of like a highly skilled ROB (real operated boyfriend) who knows how to lightly stroke and rub a labia and clitoris until they start to respond in their juicy and tingly ways. On a scale of 1-10, I say that BOB No. 1’s top vibration speed is a 6.

BOB No. 1 knows how to slip and slide inside of a vagina with its smooth and shiny exterior and inner form core. It’s firm, but not too hard, weighty or rigid. Its best vibration performance is definitely best at the tip, not so much along the shaft. It doesn’t really matter. It’s a quality cheap fuck without cheating on my lover.

My success with BOB No. 1 gave me the courage to take on BOB No. 2 (AKA the Purple Pearl Vagina Eater). It got my clitoris and labia warmed up just as well, but its 2-inch girth and overcompensated veiny-ness was just a bit too rough and aggressive internally. It didn’t slide in and out as comfortably as well. It doesn’t feel as much like a real penis like BOB No. 1. Bigger isn’t necessarily better, at least not for me.

I have to admit that BOB No. 1 is my new guilty pleasure. I’ll keep it covered with a condom when I use it so that it will last a good, long time.

Pearl Sheens Slims (BOB No. 1) are available in brown**, purple**, blue**, pink** and white**. The 9-inch Pearl Sheens (BOB No. 2) are available in the same colors.

*CE stands for Conformité Européenne. The CE mark is a mandatory conformity marking for certain products sold within the European Economic Area. Most sex toy manufacturers seek CE approval for sex toys so they can be sold in the European market where CE certification is mandatory. By default, it’s the unofficial certification that US sex toy brands and manufacturers use because the US does not have any federal sex toy safety or certification standards.

**Items/links with a double asterisk are available at a Good Woman’s Dirty Boutique. I make a commission from items purchased through those links. I make purchase links available when a company provides me a product to review and does not have a consumer retail site of its own. A Good Woman’s Dirty Boutique does not carry the 9-inch Pearl Sheens.