Saucy Saturday Stories

Saucy Saturday Stories: What We Wish We Learned About Sex, Vaginal Art & the Legend of Fappy Lives On

Things We Wish We Learned About Sex

Have you ever wondered wish there were some things you learned about sex before you actually had sex? Were there things you were nervously unprepared for or surprised you?

Heather of Authentic Sexual You takes a very serious and thoughtful look on this topic in one her latest posts, 4 Things I Wish Sex Ed Taught Me. I know that after my divorce that I wish I was prepared for her first two points: Calculating the Risk/Reward Ratio of Potential Partners and How to Deal with Sexual Regret.

On the lighter side, the UK publication Metro published an article, 24 horrible truths about sex we wish someone had taught us in sex education. Some of my favorites include:

1. Men will always be obsessed with your bum hole. (Let me expand that to men will always be obsessed with anything they see in porn.)

2. 96% of the times you have sex will be initiated by a man pushing his hard-on into your back while you try to sleep. (Not true now, but it was for me in the past.)

20. And when said semen lands on your skin, you’ll be surprised at how smooth and silky it makes it.(Truth!)

23. Most of the times you have sex you’ll be wearing a nude T-shirt bra and greying pants from Primark, rather than sexy lingerie from Victoria’s Secret, and you won’t even be ashamed. (I love sexy lingerie, but to be honest, there’s nothing sexier than full body skin-to-skin contact!)

If you really want some really hearty laughs on this topic, check out College Humor’s video on Sexpectations.

Vagina Art

Over a month ago, I told you about a woman who painted by dropping paint filled eggs from her vagina and a man who painted portraits with his dick. This week, Kara at Condom Depot writes about a woman who knits with vaginal soaked yarn.

Umm … yes. You read that right.

Australian craftivist Casey Jenkins sat for 28 days straight in the Darwin Visual Arts Association gallery and knitted a continuous piece from a wool skein which was stored inside her vaginal canal during the knitting process.

I understand and respect Ms. Jenkins’ fascination with her vagina, but I can think of other things that are much more pleasurable and less itchy to put inside of mine.

I Love Me Some Satire!

AGWDM fappyA friend of mine who knows I used to write satire but has no idea that I write a sex blog asked me to check out the legitimacy of this article, Christian Anti-Masturbation Group’s Mascot Arrested For Public Masturbation.

It took me a bit of digging in The National Report to realize that the story about the fictitious Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin is indeed satire. If it wasn’t for a history of legitimate sexually bizarre incidents that have happened in the past (the Elmo sex abuse scandal, Sen. Larry Craig’s airport bathroom stall rendezvous, and former pastor Ted Haggard’ s sex and drug controversies), I would have automatically said, “Yes you’ve been duped.” Plus, with the batshit craziness surrounding the U.S. Supreme Court Hobby Lobby decision, I’m not surprised by any kind of nonsense I read these days. (See U.S. Senator Agrees With Supreme Court Decision Because Women Use Birth Control ‘Largely For Recreational Behavior’ and Rush Limbaugh’s Thoughts On The Hobby Lobby Case Are As Gross As You’d Imagined.

This isn’t the first time that Fappy has fooled the public. Back in May 2013, The Daily Dot dispelled a rumor that Michael Moore was working on a documentary about Fappy. The elaborate hoax was backed by a dubious press release, a Fappy movie website, and a photo of a fake tweet from Moore.

Let Your Carpet Match His Drapes

Have you ever noticed that some couples that have been together for a long time start looking alike? I’m sure there are a few couples who take this a bit too far by matching her pubes with his facial hair. Even if there aren’t, Naomi Rutledge at Sensory Fuse has a few thoughts/drawings/suggestions on that topic in Lips to Lips: Let Your Carpet Match His Drapes, just in case you are so inspired.

A Blow-Up Doll Can Save Your Life?

AGWDM alternative uses for sex dollsJust when I thought things couldn’t get more bizarre (and indeed I’ve rounded up a bunch of doozies this week), Your Tango came out with seven alternative things to do with sex dolls.

Not that I have one, nor does Parrot, at least I’m not aware. If he did or if you or your partner does, I would love to know if anyone has the nerve to pack one in carry-on luggage on an airplane. Because you never know how long you could be lost at sea until you’re rescued.