Sex at Walmart

I am inappropriately amused by Walmart, at least according to a friend of mine who calls me “a polite, depraved dame.”

“Those pictures are funny as hell, but I never expected this from you!” he said after he saw my post, Sexy People of Walmart. “I mean, we go back a long way and you’re my age for crissake!”

Since I just had to up my friend’s shock factor for the fun of it, I started wondering if anyone has had sex at Walmart.

Just as I suspected, the answer was, “Of course!” and only in the ways that People of Walmart would think to have sex at Walmart.

His Little Pony
AGWDM horse humperLast October, a 19-year-old man was caught using a stuffed horse to masturbate in a Florida Walmart.

This is what happened according to the report filed by the po-pos that arrested the pony defiler:

At approximately 1420 hours, the defendant Sean Johnson selected a brown, tan and red-stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department. The defendant then proceeded to the comforter aisle in housewares and proceeded to pull out his genitals which were in an aroused state. The defendant then proceeded to hold the stuffed horse’s chest area to his genitals and proceeded to hump the stuffed horse using short fast movements. The defendant continued his action until he achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area.

The defendant then placed the soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also. The defendant then exited the store and left the property. Contact was made with the defendant directly across the street.

Knowing cops and how they have to write these kinds of reports, I’m surprised that I never heard the laughs from where I live.

Five-Finger Discounting the Chances of Getting Caught
AGWDM sex at walmart KY shopliftersBack in 2012, a couple not only shoplifted a tube of lube, but the guy proceeded to sexually fondle his female partner in front of shoppers at a Walmart in Kansas.

Really, you two. Couldn’t you have done what other out-of-control horny couples do when they can’t find the self-control like slip into a fitting room or a bathroom stall?

Oh, wait. Of course not. That would happen at other stores, not at Walmart.

The Walmart Mating Call
AGWDM walmart wankerApparently, flinging jizz at a woman is a Walmart guy code for letting her know she’s hot. Because spreading one’s seed is the way men demonstrate their virility, right?

Back in 2013, a 20-year-old woman shopping in a Walmart in Delaware said a man walked by her and then she suddenly felt something wet on her buttocks, thigh and leg. At first she thought it was spit, but guessed it was semen after taking a closer look.

The 22-year-old accused man tried to pass his semen off as spit to the cops, too, but then confessed that he often pretends to spank women on the ass that he finds attractive in order to wipe his semen on them.

AGWDM disneyworld walmart wankerThis past April, a mouse-eared Disneyworld employee was arrested for jerking off at a Florida Walmart.

The 20-year-old man was strolling around the infants section, listening to some “audio pornography”, and spotted an attractive lady walking the aisles. He then decided to follow the woman and started jerking off through a hole in his sweatshirt.

A Walmart security guard watched the man’s behavior (yeah, I bet Paul Blart Walmart Cop was watching), which culminated with him pelting his unsuspecting stalker victim with his load and then wiping it on some merchandise before the cops were called in to … ahem … finish the job.


AGWDM walmart public masturbatorThen last year, a 26-year-old man pulled out his dick and started wanking his willy in full display of customers and security cameras at a Walmart in Oklahoma. Customers took it upon themselves to call the cops who arrested the guy after he left the parking lot.

There was no mention if an object of desire was involved.


If Coming on a Chick Doesn’t Work, Try Sucking on Her Toe in the Shoe Department
AGWDM walmart toe suckerSome guys aren’t very discreet about their foot fetishes, especially one horny man at a Walmart in North Carolina.

Last year, a guy posing as a podiatry student asked a woman in a Walmart shoe department if she could try on some shoes for him. While he was handling her feet, he started sucking her toe.

The guy tried to make things right by offering to pay for the obviously disturbed and shaken woman’s groceries, but a local judge felt it was more appropriate for the repeat sex offender to post a $50,000 bond at his arraignment.


Of Course People Have Had Sex in the Walmart Parking Lot!
… and in broad daylight, too. Here’s video proof!

Those two weren’t the only ones. I also found a “true life” story written by a woman who met up with her husband in a Walmart parking lot to have … umm … a “hot lunch”.

AGWDM walmart parking lot blow jobThen there was the 25-year-old woman and 83-year-old man who got busted for oral sex in a Buick in a Walmart parking lot in North Carolina. The official charge at the time of arrest was committing “a crime against nature”. It wasn’t clear if the crime against nature was the couple’s 58-year age difference, performing a sex act in a Buick, or whooping it up in a Walmart parking lot.

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About Bobbie Morgan (1247 Articles)
Bobbie Morgan is the beditor-in-chief of A Good Woman's Dirty Mind. When she's not blogging or having the best sex ever, she's putting out writing and social media services for adult businesses. Use the contact link to reach her by email.

8 Comments on Sex at Walmart

  1. OK, so it wasn’t Walmart but many years ago the first Mrs AntEater and I had to get some groceries in a super market in London before she went to work. When we got back to the car park (parking lot) she got a little frisky and started to give me a blow job, which was incredibly rare for her to do, until an elderly couple knocked on the car window. She smiled, gave me another nice suck and blew them a kiss before trying to tuck me back in. My first wife was a nurse and was in uniform at the time :-)

  2. What a great start to my day! My brain is still fuzzy and as I read and grin at this; I find myself thinking, need to pay closer attention while shopping ;)

    • Bobbie Morgan // August 14, 2015 at 1:02 pm // Reply

      Thanks! The Walmart I shop at is pretty nice and the freak factor is very low or non-existent, although though most that a bit further out have a lot more People of Walmart. Actually, I live and shop at another big box megamart (Meijer) that attracts more of the People of Walmart types, but they’re the usual run-of-the-mill People of Walmart — people who wear inappropriate fitting clothes (usually very heavy women who wear spaghetti strap tank tops with no bra or have bra straps that show and are bigger than the ones on their tank tops) or are always screaming at their unruly kids. Just before Thanksgiving and Christmas, I see more 30-packs of really crappy beer and large bottles of tequila in their baskets than actual food.

      • I find the Meijer on 15/Utica is quite a bit more “normal” (in terms of clientele) than 13/Little Mack. In fact, I now drive a bit further to go to the former since at certain hours, the latter can get downright scary. I will say, though, I’ve never seen any of the “People of Walmart” types in this area; just like you say, mostly the poorly dressed masses with screaming kids and baskets loaded with junk food and cheap beer (with as much paid for using their Bridge cards as possible). To be honest, I’m more partial to Nino’s… ;)

        • Bobbie Morgan // November 9, 2015 at 1:45 pm // Reply

          Hahahaha! I know what you mean. I used to live near the 13 Mile and Little Mack store and shopped there often. My ex would sometimes stop in and pick up a few things after work when he worked the afternoon shift, about 11:30 p.m. He always said the store was filled with couples with their kids in their pajamas in the shopping carts. Sometimes the kids were sleeping, sometimes they weren’t. For crissake! Can’t one of the parents stay at home with the kids in bed at that hour? This was 20-some years ago. I assume the same thing goes on today. I’m willing to bet the same thing goes on — and who knows what else — at the Walmart at 12 Mile and Gratiot.

          BTW, I shop at the Walmart at Hall Road and Romeo Plank about once a month because that’s where I get the best deal on prescriptions. The store is really nice and very non-Walmart, except for the camouflage print recliner chair I saw there once. There’s a Nino’s practically next door.

          • The Walmart at 12/Gratiot? Interesting place. It’s right off the bus stop on Gratiot, so you can imagine what funnels up the road from the 8 Mile border. One holiday season, someone actually ran out of the store, carrying a brand new TV (in its box), with security guards chasing him the whole way. That corner sure has changed since when we were kids, and that used to be an E.J. Korvette!

            I’m by the “little” Nino’s on Harper. I don’t get out near Partridge Creek like I used to, but I’ve been in that Nino’s once or twice. Cool place, but pricey.

            They’re building a brand new mammoth Kroger on 13 Mile where the old Kmart used to be, across from Meijer. There is still the Kroger less than half a mile away at Harper, and another not quite a mile away at 13/Gratiot. I would think they’d close those two old locations, but who knows? Gratiot itself has had some newer construction through that area, and they’re rebooted Macomb Mall a bit. (Although that aging Sears is out of place now.)

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