Adult Humor

Sex at Walmart

I am inappropriately amused by Walmart, at least according to a friend of mine who calls me “a polite, depraved dame.”

“Those pictures are funny as hell, but I never expected this from you!” he said after he saw my post, Sexy People of Walmart. “I mean, we go back a long way and you’re my age for crissake!”

Since I just had to up my friend’s shock factor for the fun of it, I started wondering if anyone has had sex at Walmart.

Just as I suspected, the answer was, “Of course!” and only in the ways that People of Walmart would think to have sex at Walmart.

His Little Pony
AGWDM horse humperLast October, a 19-year-old man was caught using a stuffed horse to masturbate in a Florida Walmart.

This is what happened according to the report filed by the po-pos that arrested the pony defiler:

At approximately 1420 hours, the defendant Sean Johnson selected a brown, tan and red-stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department. The defendant then proceeded to the comforter aisle in housewares and proceeded to pull out his genitals which were in an aroused state. The defendant then proceeded to hold the stuffed horse’s chest area to his genitals and proceeded to hump the stuffed horse using short fast movements. The defendant continued his action until he achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area.

The defendant then placed the soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also. The defendant then exited the store and left the property. Contact was made with the defendant directly across the street.

Knowing cops and how they have to write these kinds of reports, I’m surprised that I never heard the laughs from where I live.

Five-Finger Discounting the Chances of Getting Caught
AGWDM sex at walmart KY shopliftersBack in 2012, a couple not only shoplifted a tube of lube, but the guy proceeded to sexually fondle his female partner in front of shoppers at a Walmart in Kansas.

Really, you two. Couldn’t you have done what other out-of-control horny couples do when they can’t find the self-control like slip into a fitting room or a bathroom stall?

Oh, wait. Of course not. That would happen at other stores, not at Walmart.

The Walmart Mating Call
AGWDM walmart wankerApparently, flinging jizz at a woman is a Walmart guy code for letting her know she’s hot. Because spreading one’s seed is the way men demonstrate their virility, right?

Back in 2013, a 20-year-old woman shopping in a Walmart in Delaware said a man walked by her and then she suddenly felt something wet on her buttocks, thigh and leg. At first she thought it was spit, but guessed it was semen after taking a closer look.

The 22-year-old accused man tried to pass his semen off as spit to the cops, too, but then confessed that he often pretends to spank women on the ass that he finds attractive in order to wipe his semen on them.

AGWDM disneyworld walmart wankerThis past April, a mouse-eared Disneyworld employee was arrested for jerking off at a Florida Walmart.

The 20-year-old man was strolling around the infants section, listening to some “audio pornography”, and spotted an attractive lady walking the aisles. He then decided to follow the woman and started jerking off through a hole in his sweatshirt.

A Walmart security guard watched the man’s behavior (yeah, I bet Paul Blart Walmart Cop was watching), which culminated with him pelting his unsuspecting stalker victim with his load and then wiping it on some merchandise before the cops were called in to … ahem … finish the job.

 

AGWDM walmart public masturbatorThen last year, a 26-year-old man pulled out his dick and started wanking his willy in full display of customers and security cameras at a Walmart in Oklahoma. Customers took it upon themselves to call the cops who arrested the guy after he left the parking lot.

There was no mention if an object of desire was involved.

 

If Coming on a Chick Doesn’t Work, Try Sucking on Her Toe in the Shoe Department
AGWDM walmart toe suckerSome guys aren’t very discreet about their foot fetishes, especially one horny man at a Walmart in North Carolina.

Last year, a guy posing as a podiatry student asked a woman in a Walmart shoe department if she could try on some shoes for him. While he was handling her feet, he started sucking her toe.

The guy tried to make things right by offering to pay for the obviously disturbed and shaken woman’s groceries, but a local judge felt it was more appropriate for the repeat sex offender to post a $50,000 bond at his arraignment.

 

Of Course People Have Had Sex in the Walmart Parking Lot!
… and in broad daylight, too. Here’s video proof!

Those two weren’t the only ones. I also found a “true life” story written by a woman who met up with her husband in a Walmart parking lot to have … umm … a “hot lunch”.

AGWDM walmart parking lot blow jobThen there was the 25-year-old woman and 83-year-old man who got busted for oral sex in a Buick in a Walmart parking lot in North Carolina. The official charge at the time of arrest was committing “a crime against nature”. It wasn’t clear if the crime against nature was the couple’s 58-year age difference, performing a sex act in a Buick, or whooping it up in a Walmart parking lot.