If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know my No. 1 key to great sex and relationships is communication. It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits or if you’ve been married for decades. You just can’t talk about it once. Sex is a fluid, ever-changing thing.
My lover Parrot reminded me of that the other day.
A few weeks ago I asked how sex feels for him. I know well enough to know that he enjoys it a lot, but I’m not mind reader and I don’t have a penis. I have no idea of his mind and body feel and react during arousal, foreplay, penetration and climax.
I made it very clear that I wasn’t fishing for compliments. I genuinely wanted to know what sex feels like for him.
He felt that a phone conversation wouldn’t give my question justice. Several days later he delivered on his word in the best way he knew how … by sending me an eloquent and thoughtful essay/love letter.
He gave me the answers I wanted, but he also explained how sex between us has changed for him over time.
We first met 18 years ago. It was supposed to be a one-time fling, but what a fling it was. It was a friendship that turned into a honeymoon of sorts. We sailed in the San Francisco Bay. We sipped champagne under majestic redwood trees in the Sonoma Valley. We rode the wooden roller coaster on the Santa Cruz boardwalk. The other half of the time we spent naked in hotel rooms and bed and breakfasts along the Northern California coast. It was the best sex I ever had. With him, I felt inexperienced for all of three seconds, but this is how he felt…
When we first met, almost twenty years ago, we were a little awkward, not quite sure where our noses should go, trying to decide how far our mouths should be open, what we should be doing with our tongues. Even as adults (me staring down the barrel of middle age), we were like inexperienced teenagers sneaking away to do naughty things.
When we reconnected again 2½ years ago, it was at my home in Detroit in early March. There were no breathtaking landscapes; only the dead, cold gray of late winter with trees as barren as the industrial decay along the roads we traveled. Yet it was still magical. It was just as wonderful as the time we first spent together. Maybe even more, but still…
As we were getting reacquainted with each other, we had to learn how to make love with each other. We had to learn each other’s anatomy. As we had made love in so many different settings, we had discovered different ways of being with each other. Our lovemaking has always been sublime and fulfilling, but the night I knelt between your legs, with your calves on my shoulders, was a kind of breakthrough.
Maybe it was because my cock went into your pussy at a different angle. Maybe it was not worrying about squashing you with my body. I knew that I was more intensely aware of how my cock felt moving in and out of you. I could feel the ridges and contours of your pussy as you tightened around me like a caress. I could look at you and see the ecstasy and love on your face.
It felt so right. We moved together, finding our rhythm. I love being inside you, feeling how slippery and wet you are. I felt powerful and strong, but not in a dominant way. The emotions I brought out in you at those times washed over me and were magnified.
In the times since then, what we lack in physical connection in the weeks we’re apart, we more than make up for in communication. We talk about and plan some of the things we’d love to experiment with and explore. Sometimes spontaneity and time restraints get in the way of saucy escapades we planned, but there’s never any regret. When we do conjoin, he pointed out this pattern…
When we first come together after having been apart for a long time, we feel a certain urgency: we have to get naked now. A day or so later, we make love more for the expression of the way we care for each other than out of an unfilled need. When we reach that state, I have no concerns about coming early from eagerness. I concentrate on being immersed in you.
As for my original question, he was quite clear about how sex feels from the inside out. This may not be how sex feels for every man, but it more than satiated my curiosity.
Orgasms always feel good, but they are very different. Sometimes my orgasm will be mild and very gentle, almost like a wet dream. This is often what the first time is like after a long time apart. Then there’s the kind that seem to lurk in the dark, somewhere around my kidneys. I know it’s there, giving me little signals, but it won’t tell me when it plans to make its appearance. Then it looms closer, seeming to grow bigger. Finally, it decides to stroll onto the stage, taking its time—maybe two or three minutes. Other times, it comes in a rush, dashing from the wings to take control.
As the orgasm starts to grow, it feels like a combination of electricity and heat, growing from my bowels and spreading through my belly to my cock. When the wave crests, the pleasure is intense and sharp-edged, almost unbearable. It is concentrated in the head of my cock, which becomes exquisitely sensitive for two or three minutes. At times like this, I have very little control over my body. Sometimes, as you have seen, I sob with the sheer pleasure.
It subsides quickly, like a receding wave. If I am lying on top of you, I support most of my weight on my arms. I will stay hard for several minutes afterwards. I love the feeling of remaining inside you, barely moving, as my cock slowly softens. The urgency of orgasm has passed, replaced by a languid tenderness. I feel drowsy and satisfied, with no sexual desire at all. My kisses and caresses now are the expression of what remains after passion’s hot flame subsides.
I see and feel how he is when we are together. For as intuitive I can be in responding and adapting to his body, motions, breathing and sounds, reading this brings a whole new perspective to how sex feels for him. Knowing this could take sex to a very different level. I can’t wait to find out!
It’s not as if our sex life was ever lacking in any way, but the time to talk about sex and your relationship shouldn’t be just when you’re having problem, navigating a new relationship, or when want to try something new. If sex is something you enjoy, talk about it often. You’ll find that talking about sex will in enrich it in many ways you never thought were possible.