Adult Sex Ed

The Realities of Fantasies

AGWDM the realities of fantasiesEven if you think your fantasy is weird or might freak out your partner, chances are, that your fantasy is not all that unusual. It’s a safe bet that your partner has fantasies, too.

In October 2014, a group of scientists at the University of Montreal published a study that asked 1,517 adult men and women residing in Quebec about their sexual fantasies. (How cool would it be to have that job?)

The study found the Top 10 fantasies among women were:

1. The location is specified: 27.2% (No. 6 for men: 11.3%)
– Exotic or unusual private place (e.g., deserted beach, swimming pool, forest): 21.4%; public place (e.g., office, restrooms, bar, aircraft, etc.): 5.8%

2. Spouse or current lover is exclusively involved: 20.1% (No. 10 for men: 7.9%)

3. Focus on own submissive behavior: 18.8% (Not reported as a Top 28 fantasy for men)

4. Specifically involves a stranger: 14.3% (No. 24 for men: 1.9%)

5. The type of ambience is specified: 11.7% (Not reported as a Top 28 fantasy for men)

6. Exhibitionism: 8.9% (No. 23 for men: 1.9%)

7. Involves homosexual activities: 8.2% (No. 7 for men: 8.2%)

8. Group sex: 7.8% (No. 9 for men – with men and women or only women: 8.1%)
– Active role with men and women: 3.9%; passive role surrounded by men: 3.9%

9. Specifically refers to an authority figure or a celebrity: 7.1% (No. 14 for men: 4.2%)

10. Involves a sexual object: 6.5%

The Top 10 fantasies among men were:

1. Voyeurism: 15.0% (No. 11 for women: 3.9%)
– Watching a spouse having sex with another man: 8.4%; alone, spying an unaware stranger: 3.3%; watching spouse having sex with another woman: 3.3%

2. Fetishism: 14.0% (Not reported as a Top 19 fantasy for women)

3. Threesomes: 12.6% (No. 13 for women: 3.2%)
– With strangers or acquaintances: 7.0%; with a spouse: 5.6%

4. Oral sex (non-homosexual): 11.7% (Not reported as a Top 19 fantasy for women)
– Receiver (fellatio): 10.8%; giver (cunnilingus): 3.3%

5. Anal sex (non-homosexual): 11.7% (No. 19 for women (as a receiver): 1.3%)
– Receiver (with a strap-on or shemales): 6.1%; giver with a woman: 5.6%

6. Location-specific: 11.3% (No. 1 with women: 27.2%)
– Exotic or unusual private place (e.g., deserted beach, swimming pool, forest): 7.5%; public place (e.g., office, restaurant, bar, aircraft): 3.8%

7. Homosexual activities: 8.9% (No. 7 for women: 8.2%)

8. Involves an acquaintance: 8.5% (No. 18 for women: 1.3%)

9. Group sex (with men and women or only women): 8.1% (No. 8 for women: 7.8%)
– Active role: 7.5%; passive role: 0.6%

10. Spouse or current lover is exclusively involved: 7.9% (No. 2 for women: 20.1%)

In all, five sexual fantasies in the study were statistically typical and endorsed by more than 84.1% of participants — feeling romantic emotions during a sexual relationship, fantasies in which atmosphere and location are important, and fantasies involving a romantic location; receiving oral sex, and having sexual intercourse with two women. Among the remaining sexual fantasies, 23 were common in men and 11 were common in women.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, two sexual fantasies were found to be statistically rare (endorsed by 2.3% or less of participants) — having sex with a child under the age of 12 (0.8% of women and 1.8% of men) and having sex with an animal (3% of women and 2.2% of men). Among the 53 sexual fantasies studied in the survey, nine were statistically unusual (endorsed by 15.9% or less of participants) — seven for women (urinating on partner, 3.5%; being urinated on, 3.5%; wearing clothes of the opposite gender, 6.9%; forcing someone to have sex, 10.8%; abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious, 10.8%; having sex with a prostitute, 12.5%; and having sex with a women who has very small breasts, 10.8%) and four for men (urinating on partner, 8.9%; being urinated on, 10.0%; having sex with two other men, 15.8%; having sex with more than three other men, 13.1%).

“Many fantasies that one might suspect would be unusual are, in fact, endorsed by a significant portion of individuals,” says Dr. Richard Krueger, MD, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons in New York City who was not a researcher that was part of the study. “Yet this doesn’t mean that these are pathological at all. It just means that people have them. The only way that it becomes pathological is if it involves distress, dysfunction, or action on a non-consenting person.”

While many women who took part in the survey expressed more extreme fantasies, especially of submission and domination by a stranger, they say that they never want these fantasies to come true. However, the majority of men that took part in the survey have more fantasies than women, express them much more vividly, and would love their fantasies to come true, especially threesomes.

But let’s say that you have a fantasy your partner doesn’t want to act out, let alone talk about, or if you don’t have currently have a partner. Perhaps you have a fantasy that will never play out in your life or is socially taboo.

“Having (fantasies) does not automatically translate into wanting to act them out,” says Michael Wiederman, a professor of psychology at Columbia College in South Carolina. “Perhaps it’s the assumption that fantasies say something about desired behavior that leads some people to feel guilty about their sexual fantasies. However, by definition, fantasies are safe (no one is actually hurt in real life) and they can end the way the fantasizer desires. Conversely, attempts to act out fantasies frequently result in less than desirable experiences. So, as long as your fantasies remain just that, you can give yourself permission to enjoy that aspect of your sexuality without guilt or concern about normality.”