Relationship Ramblings

Women Who Stick With Their Dicks

As much as I’ve been yucking it up over the latest Anthony Weiner sexting scandal, I’ve been seriously pondering why his wife, Huma Abedin, is standing by her man.

The first time Weiner disgraced himself in the same manner back in 2011, I could see why Abedin would give her best to give their marriage a second chance. But a second time around?

“It was not an easy choice in any way,” Abedin told the reporters in New York. “But I made the decision that it was worth staying in this marriage. That was a decision I made for me, for our son and for our family.”

The Huma Abedin survival guide, Politico, July 25, 2013

I was in a situation 13 years ago when I learned that the man I planned to marry had another woman in his life. She wasn’t a girlfriend or a booty call, but a wife.

The life that I planned came to a crashing halt when I got a phone call from her.

I didn’t fight back for him. I decided things were over the moment she told me who she was, but we both had a need to talk about what had transpired.

Among the many things she told me, it wasn’t the first time that he had cheated on her. When I asked why she wanted to stay with him, she said, “I have 17 years invested in this marriage. I just can’t throw it away.”

From my point of view, he threw their marriage away seven years earlier, the first time she caught him cheating on her. She believed it wouldn’t happen again. She believed that he would end it with me from the time we started seeing each other. And she was convinced that I knew all along that he was married … because he told her that he told me that he was.

For the five months we were together I had no reason to believe that he wasn’t divorced for three years like led me to believe. He was my high school sweetheart 18 years earlier. My immediate and extended families loved him and welcomed him back into the fold with open arms. From the get-go, he was eager to meet my kids and he treated them just as well, if not better, as their dad. My co-workers liked him. It wasn’t as if we went skulking around to be with each other. We went out often … lunch, dinner, concerts, shopping, even a trip to Vegas where he proposed to me. I had a big hunk of big hunk of crystallized carbon on my left ring finger. We were working with a Realtor, a distant cousin of his, to buy a house. We were planning a Valentine’s Day wedding.

I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t believe what happened.

I made two phone calls after I got off the phone with his wife.

The first call was to my best guy friend because I knew he would tell me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear.

“There’s no way that can happen,” he said. “That man loves you too much.”

The second call was to my mother.

“I’m sure it’s just his ex stirring shit,” she said. “Wait to hear what he has to say.”

He showed up at my house almost as soon as I got off the phone with my mom. He had a lot to say, including his admission that he was married.

“How could you not tell me?” I asked.

“If I told you, I would have never had this chance at happiness,” he said.

“How did you think you could have pulled this off?” I asked.

“I would have divorced her and you would have never known,” he said.

From Day One our relationship was a lie. He didn’t just tell a couple of white lies; he told enough lies to create a totally different, almost fantasy, life. Why she believed his lies about me and why she believed that her marriage could be that snowball that had a chance in Hell is still beyond me.

My ex-fiancé is no different than Weiner. They didn’t violate the trust and sanctity of their marriages just once, but twice. They both proved that they had no intention of changing their behavior.

For the first month after I found out about his pathological string of lies I couldn’t get angry; I was just stunned. In order to get out of the fog of disbelief, I had to understand how I could have gotten so swept up in his lies that I couldn’t see the red flags.

I dumped on friends, I went to therapy. But it was a book, 101 Lies Men Tell Women and a long phone chat with the author, Dory Hollander, Ph.D., that really helped me understand what happened.

“Extraordinary liars are the kinds of people you’d love to have dinner with,” she told me. “They tend to be quite smart, charming and engaging and have the ability to make people feel so good that they’re willing to put up with just about anything.”

That was my ex-fiancé to a T. And that could be Weiner … a frontrunner in the New York City mayoral race two years after he was disgraced out of the U.S. Congress for flashing his Johnson online to women who weren’t his wife..

As charming as habitual and pathological liars can be, their gift for making people feel good is far from genuine.

“They tend to have an amazing lack of empathy, especially when they’ve been found out,” she said.

That was my ex-fiancé to a T, too. And it sounds like Weiner. Even though he’s fallen in the poles … err … polls … he’s still in the NYC mayoral race, unembarrassed and without shame.

As far as I’m concerned, someone like that isn’t capable of love and certainly isn’t worthy of trust.