Adult Humor

BREAKING NEWS: Pat Robertson Admits He’s Gay

AGWDM pat robertson gayReligious right-wing television propagandist Pat Robertson stunned 700 Club viewers this morning by announcing that he is gay.

“I woke up in the middle of the night and a voice told me that I have not been forthcoming with one of the main tenants of Christianity: honesty,” Robertson said in the opening of his daily broadcast. “I was urged to come out to tell you that I am a homosexual man.”

When asked by his co-host Terry Meeuwsen whether “a voice” was the voice of God, Robertson replied, “Yes and no. ‘God’ is the nickname of my longtime lover, Abdullah. In the Islamic faith, Abdullah means ‘servant of God.’ He honors his birth name so well in so many ways.”

After a brief silence, Meeuwsen asked, “He’s Muslim? But I thought you said that Islam is a violent religion.”

“Whatever I’ve said about the Islamic faith being a violent religion has been totally taken out of context,” Robertson said. “What I’ve been trying to discreetly say all along is that Abdullah caned and paddled me so hard the night before and it was hard to sit in my chair without looking like I had an enormous butt plug up my ass. But let me assure you, Abdullah always rewards me with powerful orgasms that have caused ground-shattering earthquakes, tidal waves and typhoons.”

The rest of Robertson’s comments were cut off by “technical diffficulties” that kept the 700 Club off the air for the rest of the scheduled program time.

Following up on a story that the Huffington Post ran two days before on Robertson saying that gay people have been trying to destroy marriages, Robertson said, “Men and women have been destroying their own marriages for decades. Whenever I’ve called for prayer on this matter, I wanted couples to pray for themselves. Let’s be honest; no one in the LGBT community has any interest in destroying anyone’s marriage.”

According to a press release, Robertson will be performing a mass same-sex marriage ceremony in Indiana later this afternoon.

“Anyone foolish enough to deny a happy and gay couple a wedding cake or photos of their special day is missing out on the joy of celebrating love. Isn’t that what being a Christian is all about?” Robertson said in the press release.

Robertson was unavailable for comment to A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind. It’s assumed that he was trying to explain to his wife that this story is an April Fool’s Day prank.