Relationship Ramblings

Clean Sex v. Dirty Sex

About a dozen or so years ago, my sister confessed to me, “I don’t like sex.”

Trying my hardest to keep a shocked look off my face, I calmly asked her why.

“It’s messy, sticky and gross,” she said.

I wasn’t surprised to hear that reason. My sister is a neat freak just two inches away from being OCD. She either learned well from my mother or inherited some kind of gene to wipe and scrub every drop and spill in her house as soon as it happens. She owns three vacuums, each more powerful, anti-allergen, and expensive than the last.

Apparently, a poster on Mumsnet is as anal (as in retentive, not sex) as my sister when it comes to coital cleanliness.

I considered name changing for this, but, fuck it.

We have a dedicated post-sex cleanup area on the bedside table. A box of tissues, a small bin, and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning/dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me.

Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing.

Does everyone else just lay there in a sticky post coital glow until morning? Really?

A post-sex cleanup area? A penis beaker? Who are these people? Hazmat specialists? She makes it sound as if a wild naked romp is so … dare I say … dirty, filthy and nasty.

I happen to enjoy the messiness of sex. The sweatier, stickier and wetter … well, not necessarily the better, but it’s all part of the fun as far as I’m concerned. Not enjoying the by-products of sex is like a kid who doesn’t like finger painting or making mud pies.

Apparently, I’m not the only person who thinks there’s something odd about getting cleaned up immediately after sex. (Or her getting the bathroom while he only gets a penis beaker.) I didn’t read all 1,000+ comments on this thread, but some of them cracked me up.

There’s no way we could do penis dunking, the cat would drink the water!

Has there ever been a midnight mix up with a glass of drinking water?

When I hear beaker I think of a small shallow cup. If it can be easily dunked in one of those it can’t be big.

Is it just the tip or do you ram the whole cock & balls in the beaker?

I’d be pretty hurt if DH felt the need to wash his cock after sex, it’s only a bit of fanny juice, not battery acid.
How does he dry it when he gets it out of the water? And doesn’t the beaker ever get knocked over? Or at least shaken about a bit so that the water slops out? I want to know all the details here.

But what if…. Heaven forbid…. You wake up an hour later in a frisky mood…. Does he dunk again in pre-dunked water? And who cleans out the beaker in the morning? Do you use the same sponge as for your plates?!

You won’t get it properly clean with just a swish of tepid water. You need one of these babies.

A man after sex was quite silly
Grabbed a beaker and dunked in his willy
He found her false teeth
In the water beneath
And now they’ve renamed him Jilly.

Needless to say, I’ve never told my sister that I write a sex blog … and I certainly will never tell her after this post!