Adult Humor

How to Respond to Bad Pick-Up Lines

AGWDM how to pick up chicksNormally my reaction to bad pick-up lines is a gut wrenching feeling and the urge to slap the shit out of man or tell him to grow the fuck up. A couple of times I’ve tried to reason with a “friend” (read: he’s in a social circle of longtime friends that I’ve had since college) who could win a prize for the worst and most degrading pick-up lines of all time. There was no point to it. He was determined that there’s a woman who would appreciate his “qualities”.

But there have been a few times when I’ve been quick enough to sling some zingers at some PUA failures.

************

Back in the late ‘90’s I, like everyone else in the world, had AOL. Just having a profile that identified myself as female was enough to bring pests in over my 14K dial-up modem. Most of them were looking for them looking for phone sex. I’d usually give the guy the number to one of the local police departments.

Hilarity usually ensued when I saw them log back online and chew me out for not being who I said I was or accused me of being a scammer.

Scammer? Really? These men really thought they could bypass the $3.99 a minute chat lines and jack off with me for free?

************

Another time when I was on AOL, I was chatting with a girlfriend. While we were chatting, she cut and pasted a message she got from some random guy.

“I’d like to clean your house in the nude. I’ll do it for free.”

When we finally stopped laughing, I told her, “Ask him if he does windows.”

************

About that same time I was doing the online dating thing. There was one guy who seemed nice enough to meet. I had plans that evening, but said that I could meet for a drink.

The conversation was nice. A drink turned into dinner. At first I told him that the restaurant he suggested was out of my budget, but he insisted.

His one Glenlivet on the rocks turned into three. He started bragging about how much money he made, his expensive car, and his mid-life crisis boat. When I mentioned that I had never been to Las Vegas, he said, “I’d like to take you there, dress you up in a short dress and high heels, show you off, and have my way with you.”

I thought about excusing myself to the ladies’ room and slipping out the back entrance, but I decided to finish my chicken Caesar salad. When I told him, “That might be something I’d do if I were in a committed relationship,” he shut up and spent the rest of the time watching the hockey game on the TV screen above us.

When the check came, he ignored it. Then he angled the folder toward me. I ignored it. Then he opened the folder and made sure that the bill was in my line of sight. I ignored that, too. After all, he asked me to stay for dinner.

Finally, he asked, “Does that say $57 ($81 in today’s dollars)?”

I replied, “Yes. Can’t you read?”

************

Another time, a guy I was chatting with on an online dating site asked me if I would be interested in doing a threesome with him. I told him that I wasn’t interested and was only into men.

“But it’s fashionable for girls to be bi,” he said.

“Are you fashionable?” I asked.

He never answered.