Great Sex & Relationships

Loving a Married Man

Normally, I would never consider seeing a married man. I don’t like the idea of sneaking around and never having an opportunity to enjoy each other’s company in public.

But I made a big exception with Parrot. It’s something that I haven’t been completely clear about when I’ve written about him and us. At first, I was concerned about the shaming and fallout I would hear, but now, I really don’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks. After feedback I’ve gotten from several readers and things that a few close friends have revealed to me over the years and recently, I’m a lot more comfortable in coming out about this.

In my case with Parrot, we were both married when we met 19 years ago. When we reunited over 3½ years ago, I hesitated at first. It wasn’t because he was married. It was because of the 2,000 mile distance between us. I thought it would be impractical to carry out an affair on a long-term basis. I could have done that, but we managed to work that out in the most beautiful way possible.

A Sexless Marriage
Parrot doesn’t have a miserable marriage. Neither he nor his wife hate each other, but for as long as I’ve known him, he and his wife lead very separate lives. Almost any time he talks about himself online, he almost never talks about being married or his wife, which is something that people do when they’re happily married.

What Parrot has is a sexless marriage. Even in the times we kept in touch as just friends, he’s told me about the many ways he’s tried to resolve that problem. They’ve gone through several years and thousands of dollars in couples counseling. They’ve gone on some wonderful romantic vacations. He takes her out on date nights. He’s been his usual demonstrative physical, romantic, affectionate self – a trait that has been outrivaled by any other man in my life and very few have come close. But when a spouse does not think that having a sexless marriage is a problem for them, it’s something they’re not likely going to fix.

From my point of view, any spouse that does not respond to those kinds of efforts is only asking for their spouse to be unfaithful to the intimate side of their marriage. I think it’s very unfair for one spouse to expect their partner to remain faithful while they do not feel compelled to participate in the intimate side of their marriage. Refusing to be intimate with your partner is betrayal, too. I hate to use clichés, but you can’t expect to have your cake, or in this case marriage, and not honor all parts of it, too.

Why he has not and will not leave his marriage is his choice. It’s a choice I accept and respect.

Why This has Been Okay for Me
I’m at a point in my life when getting married or living with something is not an end-all and be-all goal in a relationship. I’ve been there and done that twice. And like I mentioned earlier in this post and have mentioned often in my blog, he’s an extraordinary lover, man and friend. He doesn’t just treat me well; he treats other people well, too. I’ve seen him action in how he treats friends, clients, work colleagues, store cashiers and waiters. I’ve often told him, “I don’t understand how your wife cannot be madly and passionately in love with you.”

Plus, as I’ve mentioned before and many times in my blog, sex with him is the best sex ever.

Sex isn’t the only thing we share. We’re the first to tell each other about the happy things and small conquests that take place when it comes to work, families, friends, interests, hobbies, things we do, and places we see. We’re able to confide in each other when we have problems. We give each other support and advice. He does this better than anyone I’ve ever known. I give him extra kudos for putting up with me when I’m PMSing.

Do I miss him on special holidays and birthdays? Of course, but I knew that would be the case most of the time. Actually, any day I’ve been with him has been more special than any holiday or birthday. A date on a calendar does not make it any more special than any other day on a calendar.

Plus, there’s none of the sneaking around factor when we’re together. If I’m out to see him, we don’t do things that are close to his house. We he comes to see me, being discreet is not a factor at all. We’ve met and socialized with many of each other’s friends. I’ve never been in situations when I’ve felt like I’ve been his dirty little secret.

Actually, in all of the times we’ve been together, his wife has never called or texted to ask or say, “How are you doing?” “What’s going on?” “I love you,” or “I miss you.” I think that’s pretty sad. If I was married and had a husband who traveled as much as Parrot does, I’d text or call at least once a day, not to check up on him, but to make that daily connection. Whenever I’ve been in a loving relationship, I’ve always made it a point to say, “I love you,” at least once a day. It’s small, effortless, yet meaningful loving gesture.

No Guilt or Remorse
I’ve had a few friends ask if I’ve had any guilt or remorse.

My answer is always: “No. Absolutely none.”

I don’t see myself as taking Parrot away from his wife; I’m only seeing and spending time with him in a way she has chosen not to. I’ve made it very clear to him that I’d give my best wishes and support if he wanted to give 100% to his wife and marriage. I would not get in the way of that. I’ve told him so, several times.

Why I’ve Reconsidered … I Think … I’m Not Sure
A couple of weeks ago, Parrot and his wife went on vacation. The first few days, I saw pictures on Facebook that didn’t look like the typical pictures I’ve seen of him and his wife. They were pictures of a husband and wife who were happily, gleefully and blissfully in love with each other.

I thought about a story he told me about a time he planned a romantic vacation. He said they had a great time and had great sex, but as soon as they got home, the sex ended and never came back.

As much as I hate and certainly don’t advocate Dear John (or Dear Parrot) emails, I felt I had to send one in this circumstance. He was in parts of the world that had no, poor or very expensive smart phone and Wi-Fi connections. I told him what I saw in those photos. I told him that this fabulous vacation could be a great opportunity to reconnect with his wife and I could not and would not be in the way of that. If this is something he wanted to do, he needed to give this shot his undivided attention, and his wife deserved as much, too.

It was a decision I made for all the right and rational reasons from the friend side of me. The lover side of me is feeling very bittersweet.

Right now, I’m not sure how things will progress between us. That’s up to him. I don’t regret a moment I’ve had with him. I will always love him.

In the meantime, I can’t get this song out of my mind.