Ms. Q & A

Ms. Q & A: Advice to Dear Friends

This week, I didn’t take a question from a reader. Instead, I’m passing along some advice to two dear friends who are at a critical crossroads in their relationship. I’m sure some of you have been this have been or are in at least one of these situations.

Six months ago, I learned that the two of you reconnected after 30 years. I was giddy and absolutely joyful for the both of you when I first heard the news. I loved hearing how happy the two of you were to be together again, and the two of you are more than deserving of each other and of this kind of happiness. You’re both remarkable people and a remarkable couple.

However, rekindling a love affair after all this time can be messy, especially when one person is free to pursue his dreams and the love of his life and the other is encumbered in the messiness and complications of divorce. Throw in kids, work and some time-intensive personal interests, and something’s gotta give. Unfortunately, E, it’s your rekindled romance that’s taking a back seat.

E, we talked briefly about your end of the situation. I completely understand the complications you’re going through in this transition in your life. However, there’s a danger in having small foot in the door of your relationship with M and a bigger foot out of the door. Having spent a good five months making time to be with each other is hardly an impulsive move, and I get the feeling that your heart was truly into it. However, at this juncture, you’re either in or you’re out. Giving M hope or false hope by abruptly “taking things slow” is painful, almost cruelly so, especially when you haven’t discussed your fears, questions and challenges with him. You owe him this conversation, and not just in a phone call or text messages. You owe him the courtesy of discussing the more challenging things in person. I happen to know that he’s willing and able to listen to, respect and be honest enough to handle your concerns. He has the understanding and patience to work through them with you. Those are rare qualities, and a few of what makes him the kind of man you don’t let slip out of your life. Also, I’ve heard very few men say how much they adore, love and admire the woman in their lives quite the way he does you.

M, no matter how you and E resolve your situation, especially during the holidays, it’s important that you get out with friends and family. It may seem like it’s forced or a chore, but it’s a big step in reestablishing a sense of normalcy in your life. I know that you envisioned spending this wonderful time of the year with E, at least in whatever time the two of you reasonably could, but not sharing this time of year with a special person doesn’t completely diminish the fun and value of the holidays. Even if you don’t have as good of a time as you hoped, at least you’ll be with others enjoy your company even if you’re not completely enjoying yourself. Chances are that others, myself included, will be willing to give you the extra love, support and understanding you need to get through this time. Accept those gifts; they’re more precious and valuable than almost anything that you can find wrapped under a tree.

Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.