Ms. Q & A

Ms. Q & A: Did He Use Her to Get Into a Sex Club?

Dear Ms. Q,

My new boyfriend said he always wanted to go to a sex club. It sounded interesting, so I said yes.

It was pretty exciting, like part party and part orgy. I’ll even admit that I really enjoyed seeing people having sex with each other … couples, groups of girls, multiple partners. I really wanted to go off to a private room to get it on with him, but we never had sex the whole evening. All he seemed to want to do is jack off in his own little world while watching others having sex. I felt like I wasn’t even there.

I talked to him about how I felt the next morning. He told me that he was nervous about having sex in front of other people and that he wasn’t sure about the cleanliness of the place. He said that he couldn’t stand the thought of having sex on a bed where other people just left their bodily fluids.

In a way I can see his points, but I still felt isolated and like I was only his prop to get in. Aside from him jacking off while watching others, we had a good time. He said he wants to go back sometime, but I don’t want to go if I’m just going to stand there.

Wendy Wallflower

Dear Wendy,

Going to a sex club is a lot like porn only a whole lot more exciting. It’s not scripted and it’s not contrived. How often does one get to indulge in their voyeuristic tendencies to see people having sex in a consensual environment? After all, you said that you enjoyed it, too. You just reacted to a different way than he did. I assume that he watches porn in private, and let’s face it, jacking (or jilling) off is a big part of the experience.

It was good that you told him how you felt. I give him partial credit for being forthcoming in talking about what happened, especially since this was a first-time experience for the both of you.

I get his objections about not wanting to get it on with you there, but did the two of you talk about how you could compromise or work around his objections? And what did he say about you felt left out and isolated? In some ways it sounds like the whole evening was all about him and that’s what concern me.

Before you agree to go to another sex party with him or decide to further develop this new relationship, I want you to take a few things in consideration. How thoughtful is he of you as a person? How interactive and reciprocal is he of you during sex? Is your sex cock-centric or does he take as much enjoyment in seeing you enjoy yourself and giving you pleasure? When you talk about the differences between men and women or yourselves, does he say things like, “Like it or not, that’s me. Love me or leave me,” or does he appreciate and respond to what makes you and women tick? When you go out or get together for sex, are your arrangements mutual, does he make time for you, or is it just on his timetable?

I know these questions might seem deep, heady and introspective, but they might raise some red flags that you might not be able to see in that blinded by love/lust feeling that’s part of a new relationship.

Ms. Q

Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.