Ask the Sexpert

Ms. Q & A: He’s Turned Off by Her Body

Dear Ms. Q,

I’ve been seeing this woman for almost two months. She’s cute and smart and I enjoy her company, but when I’m in bed with her, I can’t perform. I can’t get hard, and when I do, it doesn’t last long. She puts an effort into pleasing me and she’s patient and understanding. I told her that I don’t have a problem performing, but she shrugs it off as us being new to each other.

But to be honest, her body is a turn off. She’s not fat, she’s not entirely unfit, but she doesn’t have a womanly body. I feel like I’m making love to a man with a vagina.

I feel like a hypocrite for saying this since I’m prematurely gray and have a good 50 or 60 pounds to lose, but I have my preferences and I can’t overcome them. This just isn’t working. How do I break things off with her without being a total jackass?

Coming up Short

Dear Shorty,

There are a lot of components that go into a relationship, and as vague as the criteria are for chemistry and attraction, those are two of them, and they’re big ones.

I give you a lot of credit for being sensitive to and thoughtful about this woman, but you already seem to know that the sex part isn’t working for you. It’s one of those situations where trading off perceived shortcomings won’t justify trying to make things work. And despite your perceived shortcomings, you are entitled to your preferences. As shallow as your preferences sound, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You seem to admire a lot of other things about her. Just because a woman is smart and kind doesn’t mean that she has to be good relationship material.

If it makes you feel any better, there have been several nice guys that I have chosen not to date or see beyond a date or two. Although body type isn’t a big determining factor for me, the way a guy dresses or presents himself does as do a lot of other things that fall into the personality, values and lifestyle categories. I can’t say that I had sex with these guys and had second thoughts later, but yeah, I felt guilty for backing away and breaking some hearts and hopes.

Since you’ve only been seeing her for a relatively short time, just apologize and say that it’s not working out for you. Ditching out on her and not saying anything or telling her that her body is unattractive would be very jackassian. She might be upset and disappointed, but she’ll get over it. I’m sure both of you will eventually find partners that better suit each of you.

Ms. Q

Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.