Ask the Sexpert

Ms. Q & A: She Found Out She Was Just a Sympathy Fuck

Dear Ms. Q,

I met a guy on line I thought I really hit it off with. He was hot, funny, sweet, and like me, he said that he wanted to take things slow before discussing a long-term relationship.

We went out a few times and then to my place or his place for sex. Not just sex, but the best sex of my life. This man was amazing! He was fifty shades of dirty and sensual.

The last time we hooked up, we met at a bar for a drink and a bite to eat after work. When he left to go to the bathroom, the bartender said to me, “You don’t want to go home with that guy.”

I pressed the bartender for details. He said that the guy I was with was a regular and often came in with other women … two others in the last two weeks. He also said, “Don’t get mad at me for saying this, but before you came in, he said that you weren’t really his type but you were hot in bed and available.”

When my guy came back, I told him that I felt sick (I did after hearing what the bartender told me) and went home.

I still feel sick. I feel like I was used and can’t trust another man. How do I get over this?

Fucked Over Frannie

Dear Fran,

I hope that you gave that bartender a big tip for putting a quick end to a shitty situation. Even though what he said sounded mean and hurtful, those were your guy’s words, not his. If I were that bartender, I would have relayed that message to make sure that you didn’t make a bad mistake.

Unless you play the sympathy card to talk someone into having sex with you, it’s no fun being a sympathy fuck. Being sucked in by someone who pretends to be into in you is the worst kind of sympathy fuck. It’s deceitful, disingenuous, and would have likely ended badly once he got bored or a “better” prospect came around.

Shame on him for saying that he wanted to take things slow and shame on you for not “taking things slow.” He sensed your neediness and vulnerability to be talked into anything.

The good news is that you can trust again. There’s nothing wrong with having sex before discussing a having a long-term relationship, but when you’re doing the online dating thing, be honest about where you are in the process. Are you still scanning ads? Are you out meeting and getting to know others?

Remember that no man or woman ever died of waiting at least three dates to have sex. If a guy can’t wait that long or accuses you of wasting his time, walk away. He just wants a fuck receptacle, not a woman. A guy who’s into you will willingly and will probably enjoy the chase and be satisfied with masturbating and fantasizing in the meantime. No matter how horny you are, you’ll be capable of doing the same.

If or when the topic of sex comes up, talk about your expectations of where you’d like things to go between the both of you. Get his answer before he gets yours. Most guys are pretty upfront about being non-committal or not having expectations – it’s usually their out for hooking up with others. Guys like the one you were with are skilled at reading what a woman has to say and talking around it.

Most importantly, since you know that he’s been with others, see a doc and get tested. According to the Centers for Disease Control, “Consistent and correct use of male latex condoms can reduce (though not eliminate) the risk of STD transmission.” If he wasn’t upfront with you about sleeping with others, it’s a safe bet that you can’t trust him about his sexual health status. Chances are that doing the “noble” deed of giving out sympathy fucks to available women is a pattern with him.

Better luck next time!

Ms. Q

Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.