Great Sex & Relationships

On Seeking Pleasure

Walker Thornton is one of those writers I always come away feeling very ladylike and sexually empowered when I read her articles and blog posts, especially this one: Pleasure – why aren’t we seeking more of it in our lives?

This passage from that post really struck a chord with me:

In mainstream culture, the idea of pursuing sexual connections just for pleasure is considered dirty, torrid –something to be condemned. There is a subtle context to all interactions that ‘look’ sexual. A kiss must mean that person wants to get into your panties. A warm hug, a caress, a kiss–it’s viewed as a prelude to intercourse. But what if it’s simply people exploring the things they want, with the people they find appealing? In a room full of adults, who understand consent and privilege and the power of conversation, there is little risk or danger.

I’m very lucky to have a man in my life with whom we both enjoy each other in that way. But aside from the many people I interact with on social media and with my adult business clients, I don’t often feel the openness to talk about sex or sexuality without making people feel awkward, feeling like I’m being harshly judged, or feeling like prey for someone to jump my bones.

I started thinking about many men I’ve met before Parrot who often approached or treated me rather aggressively when they knew that the topic of sex was on the table. Looking back, I hypothesize that they acted that way as if they were just let out of a cage. They were always on their non-sexual best behavior in every moment of their life, and when they were let loose, they didn’t know how to control their Eros. They didn’t know how to incorporate what’s labeled as “good” and “bad” behavior. In a lot of ways, men face as much stigma about sexuality as women. It just gets honed in and busts loose different ways.

I find it very liberating to talk about sex and sexuality with people who feel the same way as I. A few people who know about my blog and the work I do in the adult industry often ask, “Don’t you run into a lot of creeps and weirdos?” or “Aren’t you afraid of putting yourself in dangerous situations?’ The answer is always, “No, quite the opposite.” People who are knowledgeable about and comfortable with their sexuality don’t view and treat people they come in contact with as potential hookup, orgy or non-consensual sex partners unless the former two options are on the table. Respect and consent are demonstrated without a second thought, especially in the BDSM and kink communities. A lot of people have a hard time wrapping their heads around that considering what they see and hear in media, porn and on the Internet.

Seeking pleasure shouldn’t make anyone feel like a pervert. When we lift guilt and shame out of the equation, good things happen. We act and lift inhibitions appropriately. We welcome and respect “No” as well as we do “Yes”.

If I were in a situation where I was seeking pleasure, I would love to have the experience that Walker had of being in a room full of adults who understand consent and privilege and the power of conversation. I wouldn’t expect an instant hookup, although it would be nice if I saw the opportunity and it was offered to me.