Sex Dating Tips

Some Women Want a FWB, but Here’s One Reason Why They Don’t Pursue One

I got an email from a woman “of a certain age” asking me for advice on her FWB situation.

My blood started boiling in the first few paragraphs of her email. I’ve been in her situation. I know many women have been in her situation.

So I thought it was best to respond to her letter in my blog, not just for her benefit, but for the benefit of anyone who’s been or is in her situation, and let men know why it’s so fucking hard to find a woman who wants a FWB just as much as them.

I hate to get outraged and preachy about stuff like this. I tell all kinds of positive and outright orgasmic stories about how great having a FWB can be and how it’s done from both sides and some people STILL DON’T GET IT! I’m not talking about people in their late teens and 20’s; I’m talking about grown-ass adults. Maybe some people need a kick in the head in order to understand this.

This is the last time I want to “keep it real” and go ballistic on this topic, so here it goes…

I met a guy on a dating site. His profile said that he wanted to date with the possibility of making it long-term. We texted a lot, which now seems suspect.

We met in person back in June. After appetizers and too much wine, we went out to his HUGE truck and had some heavy petting and a BJ for him.

Then he didn’t even text to see if I made it home. He didn’t text until the next day after I sent him one asking if he made it home alright. He was less than enthusiastic. So I gave him an out by cutting him off and ended it.

“Possibility of LTR” is one of the biggest lies guys looking for a FWB will tell. The word “possibility” is the loophole they use to get them out of looking like a bad guy.  Always let someone — male or female — prove their claims before you believe them. 

I’m not saying that being spontaneous and having back seat sex isn’t fun. Unless you’re the type that’s not bothered by the possibility of things turning out to be a one-night stand, don’t feel like a first-time meet has to result in sex. 

And not getting a safety check or a thank you at the end of the night or the next morning can feel really disappointing,  especially after you had several days or weeks of hot and heavy texting. It’s a douchebag move, but that’s pretty common if someone isn’t interested in seeing you again. So is a less than enthusiastic reply if you extended the courtesy first.

By August he was texting again. I was glad to hear from him. I’m nothing if not fair.

Why? What part of “jerk” wasn’t apparent in this guy, especially after you wrote him off the first time? It doesn’t sound like you’re being fair to yourself.

He asked me out to dinner. No strings. Then invited me to join him for a road trip for a three-day weekend at a car show. He only mentioned being naked, having fun, lots of time to play, and having privacy. (He moved in with his aging parent and I live with my ex-husband. Money concerns for us both.)

My concern is that he never treated me as more than boobs and a pussy. I am concerned. I don’t want a ring or a declaration; just courtesy.

Unless you’re both into cars, his plans for a weekend getaway sound pretty selfish and unromantic. If a guy is really into you and treats you well, he would have been eager to plan things the two of you would enjoy doing together aside from sex, committed relationship or not.

If you think think this guy treated you like boobs and a pussy, dump him! It sounds to me like he treated you that way.

We met again last week, a “hotel date” as he called it.

Why??? This guy has demonstrated that he’s a bonafide asshole. Twice. This guy has treated you poorly because you’ve let him treat you poorly.

I again used wine to build up my courage. I’ve been divorced two years after 18 years of marriage and haven’t been with anyone in over five years.

If you’re going to drink on a date, do it because you enjoy whatever it is you’re drinking. Since this guy has already proven to have a lousy track record as a gentleman and a lover, I have the feeling that relying on the wine wasn’t about you getting the nerve to get intimate with this guy. It sounds like you were trying to anesthetize the pain. I understand being horny can get in the way of making good decisions, but think with and remind yourself with a clear and sober mind that you are entitled to good sex with a good man. 

We met, fell into bed, and had 4 hours of some pretty good sex! He never got me off though. I think I have a hidden clit. It’s there, but I seem to be the only one who can stimulate it to completion.

You’ve been with this guy four times and he never bothered to get you off? He never bothered to find your clit? I’m trying to figure out how this was truly good sex for you unless this is the kind of sex you were used to with your ex.

I asked him, “Does that feel good?” “You like that?” etc., etc. I ooohed and aaaaahhed. I told him he felt so good and I was gonna be sore. He’s average size but it DID feel good.

Why exaggerate how he was making you feel? What was your objective? What was in it for you?

Then he started packing up! I thought we had all night! He seemed surprised that I even thought he would stay. Do you think he’s married and not being honest?

It’s hard to speculate if he’s married. He could have an elderly parent at home. If he’s married, I wouldn’t worry about it now because I really hope you don’t have plans to see or talk to this guy again.

I can see how booking a hotel room for the night might have sent mixed signals, but a lot of people who are into hookup sex make it a rule not to spend the night. For those people, sleeping with a sex partner is a real or fabled level of intimacy they don’t want. That doesn’t have to be your rule you feel you have to follow. Personally, I don’t like falling asleep and waking up in an empty bed after sex, either. Next time, and hopefully with another guy, you might want to talk about when and how a hookup ends at the end of the night if that’s important to you.

Again, he never texted to see if I got home. He never texted or called to say he had a good time or that I was a great lover. He never said ANYTHING about my “talents” during our tryst.

This surprises you?

So I sent him a cryptic text, “So … that’s it?”

And, yup, got a response “That’s it what?”

Why did you bother asking? Why bother chasing this guy? HE’S NOT WORTH IT! YOU DESERVE BETTER!

To be honest, sending a text like that makes you sound clingy, needy and passive-aggressive. It’s a huge turn-off. It’s not a way to win a guy over, not that you should be putting in any more effort to impress this guy in the first place. Just learn the lesson, put on your fuck-me pumps, kick something hard, and tell his guy to fuck off, even if no one else but you hears you.

I told him I was disappointed because I thought it was a special night, but apparently I was the only one who felt that way. He came around and spouted the usual, and that was two days after, and the only thing I’ve heard is that he wants more “personal” pictures.

If you feel inclined to send him a “personal” picture, send him this one. You can’t get more personal than this.

Then block this asshole from your phone, email and the dating site you found him on. You don’t need to talk to or hear from him. Ever. Again.

Am I barking up the wrong tree? I just want some manners, some polite compliments — no commitment, no picket fences.

Yep, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Stop barking, consider this guy a lesson learned, and move on. Sex should feel good for you the day after, if not days after. You obviously haven’t felt this way with this guy. He’s not the last and only man on Earth.

I know it’s hard to feel empowered when you hook up with the first guy post-divorce; when you don’t have a barometer of what’s “normal”, right and what you’re worthy of. It’s flattering as hell when the first guy since your ex thinks you’re sexy. It’s blinding. It’s intoxicating. It took me years to learn all the red flags, stick up for myself and say, “I want great sex, but there’s no way in hell I’m putting up with any bullshit that comes with it.” You’ve seen as many red flags in months as I’ve seen in years.

Judging your reaction to this guy, you might want to slow down on this sex thing. It sounds to me like you value a man’s character as much as you do great sex. A guy like that is not going to rush and push you into having sex with him for his benefit only. If he wants sex with you and not something he does to you, it’s because he likes, appreciates and values you – and he’ll show it – sincerely.

FWB dating takes on many forms. It’s not uncommon for people over 50 to want someone who’s a fun and thoughtful companion and a great sex partner for a number of reasons – aging parents or kids who have returned to the nest, people who are set in their ways, people who think having someone they don’t see every day makes sex and companionship a lot more fun and exciting. There are guys out there who want the same thing you’re looking for who are also gentlemen. It might take a while to find one, and when you do, he’ll be worth the wait.

I hope my words compensate for an actual shoulder to cry on and a couple of good, stiff margaritas. Cheers!