Relationship Ramblings

The Curse of Being Gourmet Vanilla

Through some private conversations with readers, bloggers, and past dating prospects I’ve been asked, “What are you into?”

Gourmet vanilla is the best answer I can come up with.

Some of the men in my life were of the cock-centric “I’m horny, let’s shut the door, pull the shades, turn off the lights, I’ll go down on you, you’ll blow me, we’ll make love in the missionary position, and we’ll orgasm.” variety. If I showed too much enthusiasm for sex or wanted to be adventurous, daring or kinky, I got the feeling I was being viewed as a woman of questionable moral character.

That’s far from the case. I just happen to love sex and exploring it to its extremes. And I still want and expect to be romanced and treated like a lady and a best friend. Fortunately, I have that dynamic with my lover.

OK, so my extremes may not be some other people’s extremes. I’ll admit to being fascinated with restraints and bondage, but it doesn’t mean I’m into pain and degradation. Quite the opposite. I see those toys and tools as ways to enhance arousal and sensuality.

For months I had hinted to my lover that I wanted to be spanked and restrained, and he usually came back with the comment, “I’m really not into that.” When he finally got around to taking me over his knee for a couple of hard whacks with his hand, he saw how I reacted, and it was exciting for him as it was for me. He even got a kick out of the pinkish glow on my ass cheeks that came from his hand. A few months later, he came bearing gifts – a set of nipple clamps and under-the-bed restraints. When he saw my reaction to having my nipples being permanently pinched, he had quite the time keeping me in a constant and very loud state of arousal. Once I got him bound and not being allowed to touch me, he was able to focus on letting me introducing him to some sensations and taking him to a place out of his mind that I had never seen him in before. He came to realize that having no control was and could be a very good thing.

Years ago when I was going through my divorce I was seeing another wonderful guy, B, who aside from being 17 different kinds of fun outside of our sex life was a closet exhibitionist. He loved trying to see how far we could get having sex in inappropriate places … the coatroom of a banquet hall at one of his best friend’s engagement party, in my bathroom with about a dozen guests in my house for my divorce party, hiding in some trees and bushes at EPCOT Center, in a restroom at a Baskin-Robbins, in the back seat of a car under a landing zone just outside of an airport runway, under a waterfall in a pool of a time share resort where we stayed on vacation.

A few years later, I dated a man, E, who was into going to nudist camps and swingers clubs. Although he didn’t care for swapping and sharing partners (nor did I), we certainly enjoyed being watched by others and watching others in the act. Seeing a train of women going down on each other was definitely a highlight. Spending weekends with him being totally nude around others in a non-sexual way was actually quite liberating. I’ll admit that I had some reservations about walking around without a stitch of clothing around people I didn’t know, but after seeing everyone else bare-ass naked without a care in the world playing volleyball, playing cards and sunning at the pool, I always hated the feeling of having to put my clothes on at the end of the weekend.

In between that time I had been with two gentlemen Dominants, both of them extremely intelligent, articulate, well-mannered, and highly regarded in their professional worlds. While I had loads of fun with them with things involving rope bondage, restraints, paddles, and relying on their trust to challenge me and open my mind, most of our time together involved going out to dinner, shows, movies and concerts … just like most couples. Outside of the bedroom and the playroom, I was never treated like a doormat or a slut. Far from it.

By most people’s standards, my experiences might seem pretty wild, and most people I know would look down on me as being whorish if they had such a close glimpse into my private life. I also know people who would say, “Eh, you’re really not all that exciting or out there. Far from it.” For quite a while I avoided dating because as soon as a man got an inkling that I enjoy sex or knew I write erotica, sex was the only things they wanted to know about me and do with me. Almost nothing else turns me off and shuts me down faster.

Sometimes, I really don’t know where I fit in this world being gourmet vanilla. I’m sure it’s something that shouldn’t bother me to the extent that it does, but it does.