Relationship Ramblings

What Not to Say After Sex

A reader who said that he got some giggles reading a recent posts about bad pick-up lines in a recent post, Why You’re Not Having Sex. He suggested that I write about things not to say after sex.

I tried my hardest to think of and find some lines that were classless, clueless and funny, but I couldn’t get some of these real-life faux pas out of my head.

5. No dirty or trashy talk. During the time you’re having sex, things like “Fuck me like a whore!” or “I wanna pound you like a slut!” may spill out of your mouth if that kind of thing turns the both of you on. However, post-sex is the time to show and not just tell your lover that you really do respect (and possibly love) him or her. Great sex is all about feeling good about it during and after.

4. Don’t complain about the timing of orgasms. Simultaneous orgasms are an ideal that make great porn and erotica, but the release of orgasms are pretty much involuntary functions. While the skilled lover can delay an orgasm or keep a partner on teh very edge of orgasm, it’s pretty much impossible to orchestrate two people to climax at the same time. Everyone has a breaking point.

3. Don’t blurt out any unexpectedly new relationship requests or proclamations. Thanks to endorphins, act much like cocaine does on the brain. It often leaves people with an incredible high, especially if the session was especially intense or it’s been a while since the last time. However, your partner may not feel just as exuberant or be ready to hear what you’re thinking or what you want: “I love you,” “Let’s get married,” or “Let’s have a baby.”

This was how I told my ex-live-in that I loved him. It was awkward. He honestly couldn’t tell me the same thing. Save those life-changing proclamations when you can discuss, negotiate, and hopefully celebrate them with clearer minds and on more neutral ground … and then have sex!

2. Don’t fish for compliments. I have been accused of and freely admit that I sometimes ask, “How did it feel for you?” Luckily, my lover knows that I am always interested in what is going on in his mind and sex is always fantastic anyway. However, most people will take this as being put on the spot or get the impression that their partner either lacks self-confidence or is emotionally needy.

1. Don’t ask, “Did you come?” I have heard this question way too many times in my past. If you can’t tell if your lover orgasmed and climaxed, you’re not paying attention to your partner. If your partner didn’t come, perhaps the mind and body just weren’t aligned. It could be mental stress or physical exhaustion. Or perhaps you or your partner need to step up your/their game (see: Orgasms Part 3: How to Have Orgasms or Make Them Better?/.)