Relationship Ramblings

You Say ‘Vanilla’ Like it’s a Bad Thing

Sometimes, I feel that I’m not taken seriously by readers and other sex bloggers because I’m not polyamorous or have male and female partners at any given time or at the same time. I don’t share nude pictures of myself, let alone pictures of my bare ass getting whipped and spanked or getting gangbanged and bukkakied by several random strangers in a bathroom stall. And if you think that what you see in porn is what should be the standard in your sex life, you’ve probably come to the wrong place.

Do I give a flying fuck? Oh, hell no! I’m just me. I’m authentic and I’m damn well pleased and confident with myself and my sex life. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. We push some boundaries from time to time. Okay, so having sex outdoors, filming it, and releasing those videos online and in a couple of porn film festivals is pushing it pretty far for most people. For the most part, our sex life can be rough and wild and it can be transcendent and mild. Either way, it’s always rich, indulgent and satisfying – kind of like hand-churned ice cream flavored with fresh cream and the pith of Madagascar beans. In other words, it’s luxuriously and deliciously vanilla.

I’m wired to be monogamous. I’ve tried multitasking relationships. It doesn’t work for me. It’s too damn exhausting and time-consuming. Even when a partner has known that I’m seeing or open to seeing someone else, I feel dishonest. I feel that I’m lying by omission when I don’t have the freedom to be naked about my life and thoughts. I love the feeling of being able to share the most private and intimate aspects of my life. It’s liberating. Besides, I have the most wonderful man in my life. No one I’ve come across in the past several years has come close to being the kind of person as him. Why would I want anyone else?

I also wouldn’t want to think of my lover being with another woman the same way he is with me. I’m not the jealous type, but that would be pushing things too far for me, especially on days or nights I wish he could be with me instead of with someone else.

I won’t deny that I’ve been curious about what it’s like to be with another woman, especially wanting to know what it’s like to go down on a woman the same way my lover goes down on me. But I could never have the heart to tell another woman that she’s just a one-time curiosity and I’m moving on. I don’t think of people as being consumable, disposable commodities.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not slamming anyone who’s into kink, fetishes or being poly, non-monogamous or pansexual, but I’m sick and tired of people saying or inferring that vanilla sex is a bad thing or that it’s boring. As a community that prides itself for being sex-positive and into acceptance and diversity, let’s stop the vanilla shaming. It’s not a bad or boring as you think or make it sound to be … if you’re doing it right.